I Hate the Dentist
by Emma CS Me
Summary: Kurt Hummel isn't stupid. When the straight love of his life is drunk enough to sleep with him at a party, he's not going to stick around for the fallout. However, maybe he is stupid, because running away has consequences. Trigger warning - rape.
1. Prelude, Pretense, Perfect

**A/N:** Written for the **glee_angst_meme**, the prompt: "Finn gets his drink spiked at a party and wakes up naked and alone in a bed in the host's house, with no memories of the night before. When word gets out, someone starts a rumor that it was Kurt who drugged Finn so he could sleep with him and Kurt's life is subsequently made a living hell. I mean hardcore threats, violence, that sort of thing. But Kurt feels powerless to do anything because - even though he wasn't aware Finn was drugged - they had slept together. I don't care about resolution but I'd one to confront the other about it." Title is inspired by _Veronica Mars._ Trigger warning: rape.

* * *

**1: ****Prelude, Pretense, Perfect**_  
_

Kurt Hummel is many things, and not all that many of them positive, but he is not stupid.

He kind of wishes he was right now. If he was stupid, he wouldn't be here. He'd still be curled up with the love of his life in said love-of-life's best friend's guest room. Instead, he's driving through the December snow in a shiny red car where the heating doesn't work properly. It's better than walking home in the middle of winter, he guesses, but he still doesn't want to be there. He just wants to go back, cuddle up like he always fantasized he'd be able to after losing his virginity.

It's not going to happen, of course. Because Kurt isn't stupid, he knows he and Finn were never mean to do this. Finn is straight, and was quite drunk; Kurt probably should have turned him down (either out of morals or desperation to avoid having his heart broken), but he was less than sober himself and, after all, it was the only choice he would ever have to be with the one person he loved most of all, even if they were going to be stepbrothers in a few months.

Maybe, he thought by sleeping with Finn, he could get it out of his system. _End_ the whole damn thing. One way or another, it doesn't seem to be working so far.

Kurt's glad he doesn't have to drive back home with Finn – he established before they went that he'd be at Puck's for a while. That drive would just be awkward. Kurt's ninety percent sure Finn wouldn't even be able to look at him right now; not without feeling ashamed and confused. _Kurt_ feels ashamed and confused. This was never what he wanted. And it was. He's not really sure.

Okay, honestly, all he ever _really_ wanted was Finn. But he wanted to Finn to be his boyfriend, his protector; not this. He wanted this to happen sweetly, slowly, _soberly_. He never wanted to be just another hookup. He's like ninety percent sure he didn't want to be with a soon-to-be step-relative, despite his motivation behind getting their parents together anyway. He doesn't know what he wants.

He still wishes he could just have stayed there, basking in the afterglow until Finn woke up. He would smile when he saw Kurt, and bring him in for another small kiss. But Kurt knows it would never have happened; that's why he ran out before Finn was even awake – he knows if Finn saw him, it would make him freak out and realize what the hell he just did. And that would break Kurt's heart before his very eyes, and Finn would have to feel guilty (although he may still have to feel guilty about leading Kurt on like this), and Kurt doesn't really think Finn deserves that. Plus, he refuses to embarrass himself in front of Finn.

Finn looked so sweet and simple though; comforting, warm, and dreaming of something peaceful.

Kurt pulls up in the garage of his house, and enters, finding his dad and Carole in the kitchen.

"Hey, Kurt," Burt says. "How was the party?"

"It was… whatever," and there is no way in hell Kurt is going to tell them what happened. A) Ew, this is his dad and to-be step-mom, and B) Yeah, they're going to take the news of him sleeping with his almost-step-brother well.

"Did you see Finn?" Carole asks, a note of concern in her voice she can't hide.

Kurt tries to hide a grimace. "Yeah. Seemed fine."

Carole nods. "Okay."

Kurt smiles at her slowly, half expecting the second show to drop – shouldn't they be figuring something out about now? But they don't. They just let him descend into his room (his room; Finn moved out of it months ago), and lock the door behind him. They probably think he wants to sleep.

He sits down on his bed and starts to cry.

Maybe Kurt Hummel is stupid after all, because back at Noah Puckerman's house, Finn's eyes flutter open to bright sunlight shining right at him.

"Ow," he mutters and turns over. But that doesn't really work. Sharp pain shoots down the lower half of his body, and he suddenly becomes aware of the throbbing in his ass. He can feel something wet on his thighs; what is that?

Fully awake now, he turns back over, trying not to hyperventilate. He can see his pants and underwear in the corner, so he realizes he's naked. He can't remember a thing. He does a mental check: memory? Uh, no. Clothes? No. Pain in ass? Check.

Oh god.


	2. Mistake, Misshape, Mission

**2: Mistake, Misshape, Mission**

Finn does he all can think to, with the pain in his head (and other places he doesn't care to think about) pounding in his head like the beat of his drums. He is at Puck's house. Puck's house means Puck. Puck means someone who... should be willing to help him. Maybe. They were best friends, and Puck should... do something, finding him like this. Honestly, Finn doesn't know what he's expecting.

As per plan, Finn finds Puck soon. The guy in just staring hopelessly at the mess that has been left over his living room – he only vaguely looks up when Finn enters. "Hey dude," he says.

"Hey," Finn tries to say – he opens his jaw, but no sound comes out. He kind of reminds himself of that kitten the woman next door used to have, the one that was always mewling silently, before it got hit by a car and died. That sucked. (This kind of sucks worse.)

Puck looks at Finn for a few more seconds, finally registering that this is not normal, even for the aftermath of one of his parties. "Dude. Clothes," Finn looks down realizes he is indeed, still naked. He suddenly feels even more vulnerable, _exactly_ like that poor fluffy white kitty all splattered on the road (her name was Ginger or something, right? Ms. Halford isn't the best seeing woman). He draws his arms even closer towards himself, in some kind of flimsy attempt at shielding himself from further hard, even if the damage is done. He starts to shiver, and looks down as Puck's face turns about as worried as Puck's face is capable of.

"Hey. Finn. What's up?" Puck takes a few steps closer, and part of Finn just wants to recoil and run as far away as he possibly can. His legs still feel kind of frozen, though. He can't think. "You're kind of scaring me, dude," Puck's voice sounds distant, and Finn doesn't look up, just watches as Puck's feet slowly approach.

"You okay dude?" Puck asks, and suddenly there's a warm hand on Finn's neck, trying to help, and just _no_, he is not okay. He looks up again, finally meeting Puck's eyes, shaking his head. He whimpers, and suddenly breaks into big fat girly tears, burying his head in Puck's neck. Puck doesn't even take the time to tell Finn what a pussy he's being, which pretty much proves this shit is as serious as he thinks it is.

_Fuck_.

"Shh, shh, it's okay," Puck repeats comfortingly into Finn's ear, and it sounds so damn _unnatural_ coming from him. Finn really doesn't have the energy to bring that up right now, however.

Somehow, they wind up collapsed on the couch with Puck's arm around Finn's back, still trying to rub reassuring circles. Finn just curls up into himself further, alternating between sobs and whimpers – he must seem so pathetic right now, but honestly he doesn't _care_.

The tears eventually stop flowing, and Finn remains in a pattern of irregular sniffles. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" Puck asks, a little further away now, but still close.

"I'm... not all that sure what _did_ happen. I can't remember shit," Finn says, and Puck listens, quiet for what might be the first time in his life. "I just... I think I got a beer. It's all kind of a blur after that. I woke up and... my clothes were gone, my ass is still killing me."

"Roofies," Puck mutters through gritting teeth, clenching his fist. "Fucking fucker. Some bastard fucking roofied you and ra-"

"Don't," Finn cuts him off. "I mean, girls on those stupid Lifetime movies my mom watches are always saying that, and it doesn't really help them, but just – please. Don't say it. Not yet."

Puck nods. "I'm sorry, dude."

"It's not your fault," Finn says, curling closer to Puck again – he is _still_ naked, and that should be making things really awkward right now, but there's just no room for that.

Neither of them sees Tina coming. She herself is too busy thinking _oh my god oh my god my mom is going to kill me why am I so stupid? _to really notice them for a while. She kind of blinks when she sees them, and sees that Finn is curled into Puck's side. And, you know, naked.

"Um, uh... sorry!" she stammers. "I didn't mean to, er, interrupt... or anything..." she honestly has no idea how to deal with this situation. Or any idea what this situation is, for that matter. Puck looks at her, then at Finn, then back at her, and starts looked kind of pissed. Fuck. Finn just blinks, and looks like he's trying not to laugh.

She's expecting one of them to talk – at least to clarify it's not what it looks like, even if it is – but they don't. They just stare at her, like she's meat on display. Then she filters through her embarrassment, and looks a little closer. Finn's eyes are red and bloodshot, as if he has been crying, and Tina thinks she can see tear stains on Puck's shirt. There are faint bruises on Finn's arms. Puck's arm is gently patting Finn's shoulder in a way that she knows it meant to be comforting, even if Finn flinches a little at the touch.

Something Bad has happened.

"Oh my god... what happened?" she says dumbly, crossing over to the couch with them. She is suddenly not paying attention to the fact she is still standing in front of one of her naked male friends.

Finn looks away from her, and Puck sighs – she can _hear_ the anger frothing under the surface. "Last night's party didn't go well, apparently. Some bastard spiked his drink, and then... well, he's not hanging out naked here because of some bizarre plot to seduce me."

Finn flinches at the joking way Puck describes the situation. Neither of them could possibly put it into words _properly_, and that's just kind of the way Puck is – Finn doesn't know why it hurts.

Tina can't contain a gasp. "A trip to the dentist," she whispers, and both boys blink at her in confusion.

"What?" Puck asks.

"It's a TV show... Nevermind," she says. "Wow, I'm a terrible person."

"I fucking hate dentists," Finn mutters absentmindedly. Tina turns her attention to him, and those bruises on his arms – he looks so wounded and vulnerable there, like a small child, or some kind of furry animal. That just makes her feel more disgusted, outraged, and desperately sorry for him. She reaches out and gently takes his hand. "Hey, do you know where your clothes are? You want me to go get them for you?"

He nods. "Yeah. Upstairs. First door on... the side closer to the crazy pink thing Sarah has on her door."

"That's left," Tina says, before pulling herself away and climbing the stairs. She has to stop midway through and grip on to the hand-railing – she suddenly acknowledges this is actually _happening_. She and Finn aren't particularly close, but he's never been anything but sweet to her, and she knows he's already been through hell and a half. It seems decidedly unfair.

She enters the room – small, but with a decently sized bed. Whose room is this anyway? She can still smell the scent of sex in it, and notices the barely-lighter white stains on those sheets – it takes everything she has not to double over and throw up right then and there. She finds Finn's clothes, carelessly tossed on the floor; a small tear in the shirt from where whoever was getting impatient. Tina feels the urge to rip it in two properly out of sheer rage and horror – she makes herself a promise then.

She is going to find out who did this to her friend, and she is going to cut him apart atom by atom.

She takes the clothes back downstairs, and hands them to Finn. "Thanks," he mutters, standing for a second to pull them on. Then he collapses back down on the couch, as if his legs cannot possibly support him anymore. She feels similar, and sets herself down on his right, leaving him between her and Puck. Finn's eyes focus on that tear in his shirt, revealing the smallest amount of skin, and Tina's stomach rolls. She gently reaches out and takes his hand. Finn's head eventually flops down on Puck's shoulder. They all just sit there for a while, in the silence nobody knows how to fill.


	3. Report, Remember, Rethink

**3: Report, Remember, Rethink**

Tina is the first one to talk after that.

"We should take you to the hospital."

Finn's eyes go wide, wearing that deer-in-the-headlights expression she expected. "I... I don't want to," he says, sounding so broken and scared, and she's never felt like a bigger piece of shit in her life. All she wants to run away, curl up in a ball and let him do whatever.

_No_. She may not have been who he wanted to tell, but she knows now, and she is not going to let him down. Yes, it will be awkward and uncomfortable, but he _needs_ to be medically checked out.

"I know," she says. "I'm not going to lie, it'll suck... But we have no idea who this guy is or what he could be carrying, or how he did this in the first place. We need to see that you're okay, and... _if_ you decide to report it, now is when all the physical evidence is still on your body. If we wait, our chances of getting a conviction..."

Puck gives her an odd look. She blushes. "I watch a lot of CSI," she mumbles.

"I don't wanna... report it..." Finn says, looking away. Tina sighs.

"Okay," she says. "But you might want to later. Either way, we still need to find out if you're _physically_ healthy. It sucks, but..."

Puck shrugs. "She's making sense to me, man. Come on, I don't think we've got most of a choice."

"Will they tell my mom?"

_Oh, ow, what was that? Oh yeah, it was my heart breaking,_ thinks Tina. "I... I guess you're under eighteen; they might have to," she says, not missing how obviously Finn flinches. "I'll call Kurt, get them to come. Better they hear from me and him, than just some doctor calling them."

It strikes her how fucking _clinical_ she sounds – she's surprised neither Finn or Puck has punched her in the face yet. In fact, they look at her as if they agree.

"...Okay," Finn says. His voice is small and broken, and she just _aches_ for him. Puck shrugs.

"Okay then. Guess we have to get you into the car."

They stand up, Finn still sort of leaning on Puck for support.

* * *

A bit under an hour later, Kurt's phone rings. The caller ID reads _Tina_ in very clear letters.

"What is it, Tina?" Kurt snaps into the phone. Normally he wouldn't be this mean – especially not to Tina, who is one of his best friends – but he's really upset today. He hopes she can't tell by his voice that he's been crying.

"Kurt... Kurt, something bad happened. I'm at the hospital."

Kurt _immediately_ snaps out of self-pity mode. "Oh god, Tina, are you okay? What happened? Should I come–"

"Kurt it wasn't me," she cuts him off. "I'm here with Finn and Puck. It's Finn, he's... in trouble."

Kurt's stomach starts to sink. "Trouble? What kind of trouble?"

Tina pauses on the phone. "Kurt... Oh, Kurt; Finn was... Finn was raped."

No. No.

Kurt sits there for a few seconds, trying desperately to comprehend what she just said, before he echoes his denials out loud. "No, no, that didn't... I mean..." and no, it can't be true. He didn't do anything wrong! Finn was the one who started things; possibly not for good reasons, and not in the most sober state of mind, but there was no way...

"I know, I know," says Tina on the other side of the line, her voice sounding as if she's trying not to cry. "It's awful, and horrible, and I barely believe it... He doesn't remember a thing. The doctors are testing blood samples now; we think he was drugged with something... Oh god, get your family here, okay? We thought the hospital would call them, because of him being underage, and... we couldn't let you find out like that, we just couldn't. He really needs you all here... _We_ really need you all here. Kurt, please hurry."

Kurt only half-listens past that vital information: _He doesn't remember a thing_. "Yeah. Of course," he manages to say, those tears brimming in his eyes and fucking up his throat again. "Take care, Tina, tell him... We'll be there soon."

He hangs up, and buries his head in his hands. He wants to cry. He wants to break down and bawl, bury himself in his bed never ever get up again. But he doesn't do that, because as Tina said: Finn, and she, and even Puck need him. With his stomach doing flip-flops, he goes back upstairs to where Burt and Carole are sitting and laughing, to share the news.

"Dad? Carole?"

They can immediately tell by his voice that something's wrong. "Kurt, what is it?" Carole asks, her voice concerned. "What's going on?"

"It... It's Finn. We need to get to the hospital. Something bad happened."

* * *

When they arrive, Tina immediately leaps into Kurt's arms and almost smothers him with a hug. "Oh god, Kurt," she says, "I'm so glad you're here," she says. His gut just about explodes with guilt, rendering him incapable for a few seconds of remembering it would be considered courteous to hug her back. He does so, but doesn't talk. He told Burt and Carole what was going on – what Tina had told him had happened to Finn – on the drive here, but he couldn't bring himself to say what had really happened, with him and Finn. He just... couldn't.

Once Tina pulls back, Puck acknowledges him with a nod. "Hummel," he says, and it's the most respectful greeting Kurt's ever gotten from him. "Mr. Hummel. Carole."

"Hi Noah," Carole says, smiling sadly. "Kurt told us... what happened to Finn. Is it..."

"True? Yeah. We're hardly gonna lie about this," Puck says, and Carole looks like she might cry.

"My poor boy," Carole says. Kurt debates how easy it would be to kill himself where he stands with nothing but the clothes he wears – it doesn't sound simple.

"You should go see him," says Tina. "They won't let us in; we're not family, but... he shouldn't be alone right now."

Burt and Carole nod, looking towards Finn's hospital room. Kurt swallows, and starts preparing himself for the fallout.


	4. Inside, Institutionalized, Interpret

**4: Inside, Institutionalized, Interpretation**

"Finn?"

Finn looks up when Carole says his name, his eyes flickering. "Mom?" he says.

She flutters to the edge of his bed, taking his hand and squeezing. "Finn, are you–" she cuts herself off, sounding choked and hoarse. Kurt feels his father clamp a hand upon his shoulder, and unwillingly shrinks away from his touch, a fresh flood of guilt breaking in his gut. What did he do?

Finn shakes his head, squeezing his mom's hand back tightly. "No," he says, voice fluctuating.

Slowly, Burt and Kurt come closer. Kurt can see the tears Finn's barely keeping back, and he really just wants to curl up and die right now. "Oh _God_ Finn," he says, "I am so _sorry_."

"It's not your fault," Finn whispers, not meeting Kurt's eyes.

And this, _this_ is the bit where he should admit it – _yes, it is._ This is where he should confess; tell them what happened, beg for Finn's forgiveness. The truth will set you free and all, and he's feeling quite a bit shackled right now – plus Finn's practically bound in that hospital bed. Maybe there are no knots, but those tight white covers sure are making Kurt think of a straightjacket.

He tries. Really, he does. But he chokes on the words in his mouth, stuttering out "I...I..."

Finn shakes his head. "Forget it," he says.

Carole sighs, and sits down on the seat by the bed. "...Is there anything we can do?"

"No," says Finn, thoroughly examining his hands. "I don't think you can," and he looks up again, as everyone surrounding him holds their breath. "I mean, I can't even _remember_, you know? And you always hear stuff about like, there are these flashes of what happened, but no, zip. And I keep trying not to _imagine_ it; what he did with me, the way he looked at me, how he messed with my body on the bed like I was some kind of art project – and it's just like, I can still _feel_ him, like, inside, and it hurts _so_ much, and I just wish... Sorry," he cuts himself off, looking down, ashamed. "That was... weird. Creepy. Icky."

"Don't be," Kurt whispers. "You're venting. Unloading. You need to do that; it's healthy. And the day we tell you to shut up is the day we lose our right to be considered members of the human race."

Finn looks at him with such gratitude that it breaks Kurt's heart, and proves once and for all that he already gave up said right of membership.

"Thanks," says Finn. Kurt just nods, because he can't bring himself to say 'You're welcome.'

Burt sighs, clapping Finn on the shoulder. "Well, if you need anything, we're all here. You got that?"

Finn nods. "Do you think you can get me some food?" he asks, prompting everyone to badly-repressed smiles – including him. "I'm hungry. There are like, allocated meal times here, but you know me..."

"Of course. I'll go get you something from the cafe on the ground floor," Carole says.

"I'll go with you," adds Burt. Kurt kind of expects Carole to protest that, but she just nods mindlessly, and turns back to Finn.

"That's my boy," she says, and leans down to kiss him on the forehead. Finn smiles. Then Burt and Carole leave; it's just Kurt, Finn, and this hospital room proving people can have _very_ different interpretations of events.

Kurt sighs and bites the inside of his cheek. "So," he says.

"So," Finn parrots him.

Kurt sits down in the chair beside him, fidgeting with his hands. "Finn, I... I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything." Well, Kurt knows _that's_ not true. "And you don't have to feel guilty. You weren't meant to like, protect me."

Kurt's mouth goes dry. He _desperately_ wants to tell the truth – right now, the knowledge pounding through his head is killing him – but he can't bring himself to do it. "That's not it, it's just..." Kurt hesitates. "...It shouldn't be like this."

Finn smiles sadly. "Truer words, dude."

Kurt sighs. "Are you going to report it? Go to the police, go to trial."

Finn shakes his head. "No. I don't think so," and he sounds so uncertain and unemotional, like it's a question on his homework he's not sure of (god knows there have been a lot of those). "It's just... I don't think I could do it, you know? You up there in court and say... I don't even know what. And if I reported it, like _everyone_ would find out, and I just... People already think I'm a freak; I don't need _this_ in their eyes every time they look at me. It's not really healthy or, responsible, but... I'm just not that strong." Finn sighs and pauses. "Plus, they'd all think you did it."

Kurt's stomach flops again as his heart starts beating about a million miles an hour. "Wait, _what_? Why?"

_Apart from the fact I did._

Finn shrugs. "We live in Lima, dude. People hate gays anyway, and they know you used to like me... and people reckon our parents being together is creepy, 'cause of that. If they found out about... this... everyone'd just think it was the creepy gay stalker, taking what he couldn't get, and I couldn't let that happen to you, man. Despite what people say about me, I know the way it would play out: the evil gay violating the sweet perfect straight boy. You'd be lucky to last the month alive."

Kurt wonders if it's possible to choke on your own saliva – god, he hopes so. "...You know the word 'violate'?" is the only response he can manage to form.

Finn shrugs. "I dated Rachel for like, five months, dude. Things rubbed off."

Kurt's eyes start stinging with tears. She would _kill_ him for this. She would probably kill him for this, even if Finn didn't think he was...

Kurt breathes shakily, looking away from Finn's wide eyes. "Fuck," he mutters.

"Yeah," says Finn. "I'm... I'm glad you're here, dude."

Kurt can't take it anymore.

He leaps out of his seat suddenly, staring down at Finn. "I should – I should go," he chokes out, not missing the hurt look in Finn's eyes. Then he turns of his heel and actually fucking _runs_ out of the building, looking for the side entrance so he won't pass where Dad and Carole will be returning with Finn's food.

He makes it out of the building. He can't take the car – Dad and Carole need it to get home – but he has to pass through the carpark, and by the time he sees it, he's bawling his eyes out. He knows where he has to go – and thanks god that all the medical/clinical-related centers in this town are around each other, and that everyone lives close to their work.

* * *

The doorbell ringing wakes her up at ten AM, and a sleep-interrupted Mercedes Jones is something to be feared. However, maybe it's her fault for staying up to like, five at that party of Puck's. But whatever.

Her parents are out – otherwise she would currently be dead – so that means she has to answer the damn ringing herself. "Damn, what _is_ it?" she snarks before she gets there, like eighty-two percent sure she will be unable to keep herself from killing whoever it is on the other side of the door. But all that falls over dead when she opens it.

Because Kurt's there. And he looks like hell.

"Kurt? What is it?" she says, he voice quite obviously terrified. His eyes are red, his nose runny and sniffling – he's obviously barely managing not to cry his eyes out. He pulls uncomfortably at the hem of his shirt, digging his nails into the fabric to the extent he risks damaging it – and when Kurt Hummel will risk his clothes, something it _bad_.

"Are you okay?" she asks, and yeah, she's an idiot.

"No," Kurt says, looking down at the ground. He forces himself to look up at her. "'Cedes, I screwed up. Like, really bad. And someone got hurt. Please don't ask me to explain who, or what I did, because... I can't; I just can't," he says. She nods dumbly. "I'm so scared. And I probably don't have any right to be, and I definitely don't have any right to tell you not to ask questions, and I'm generally the biggest piece of shit ever to live, but... this is freaking me out and I _really_ need my best friend right now."

She keeps nodding, a feeling of dread settling in her gut. "Of course," she says. He starts choking on his sobs, unable to keep the tears back anymore, and he breaks her heart. She steps forward and envelops him in a tight hug, and he holds onto her for dear life.

"Shh, shh," she says. "It's okay, it's okay." And she keeps repeating that mindlessly, although she's like eighty-two percent sure it isn't in the slightest bit.


	5. Okay, Odd, Owed

**5: Okay, Odd, Owed**

"Hey," Finn says when Kurt gets home, pretty late. "You kind of freaked and ran..."

Kurt freezes, helpless and meek. He thought – well, hoped – Finn wouldn't be back from the hospital yet; that they'd keep him there overnight or something. "Sorry," he says, suddenly too ashamed to meet Finn's eyes. He looks down at the floor, wishing there was some kind of interestingly shaped stain to draw his attention. "It's just... this is really bad. Okay, preaching to the choir. It creeped me out – it was selfish and stupid. Turns out I do a lot of things like that," he bites his lip on that last sentence, but Finn doesn't realize any kind of significance to it. He just shrugs a little.

"It's okay," he says, although the look in his eyes tells Kurt, no, it isn't; it wouldn't be even if Kurt wasn't secretly responsible for the whole thing. "Could you just... try not to do it again? Like, I'm kind of a mess right now... I need everyone to look after me and make me not crazy. Yeah, it's... kinda childish, but I think I have as good an excuse as I'll ever have."

"Okay," says Kurt. Because he owes Finn that much.

Finn sighs, looking away and uncomfortably wringing his hands. "I'm sorry, it's not fair you should have to deal with this massive fucking fallout, it's just – I feel like I'm about to fall apart, and I don't even know why. I mean, I know I'm meant to feel this way. I was... _raped_; it'd be freaky if I wasn't falling to pieces. I just... don't really know why. I know I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this... but people do shit you don't want all the time; like, guys on the football team punching me and shit. You deal. This doesn't have major consequences after – they did the tests, they think I'm disease free, and the pregnancy thing wouldn't happen – so why do I feel like dying right now?"

Kurt is left speechless. "I don't... I mean, just..." he throws his head back, closing his eyes. "Fuck."

"'Bout sums it up, yeah."

"I didn't actually think you'd be here. I thought they'd keep you at the hospital for..."

Finn shakes his head. "Nah. I have to go back for like, follow-up tests and shit, but... I don't wanna report it, so there wasn't much point to keeping me there. I got all the stuff done I needed to, so they sent me home."

"You're not going to report it?" he'd forgotten that, honestly. Remembering sends an odd, light kicking feeling through Kurt's stomach – he soon realizes that's _relief_. Nausea follows quickly.

"I told you that. I don't... I can't. I just – I don't want everyone to look at me for the rest of my life and see... _this_. I don't want to look at me for the rest of me and see this, but I don't think we get so much choice there. I feel terrible about it, but I can't go looking for justice – I can't face down everyone, I can't face the guy who did this to me. I'm not that strong. Is that stupid?"

"Of course not," says Kurt, and he genuinely means it.

"What would you do?" Finn asks, eyes wide and imploring. It leaves Kurt in the spotlight, stuttering and looking for words.

"I don't... I mean..." he sort of feels like a fish, mouth hanging open like this. "I don't know," he eventually concludes. "I hope you understand when I say I wish I will never find out. I might report it, I might not – probably not if it happened in Lima; I know who I am in this town," and that little hit of pain surprises him. Should he not be concentrating on other things? "But it's not about me. It's about you, and I think what's important is that we _help_ you. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, or ready to. I won't – _can't_ – tell you what's right."

Finn smiles, eyes watery. "Thanks," he says, and Kurt awkwardly slides an arm around his back, rubbing comforting circles – he doesn't miss the way Finn's body tenses, but the larger boy doesn't move away, so Kurt stays.

"Do you need anything?" Kurt asks, and Finn shakes his head.

"Could you just... stay?"

And Kurt's brain short-circuits in a flood of horror and guilt (with the terrifying undertone of hurt, and, oh _god_, lust), while the memory returns: Finn laying on the bed, happy and carefree and laughing his head off, then going all quiet and gripping Kurt's hand, dragging him onto the bed; _Stay here with me, Kurt. Please don't leave. Stay. Let me make it up to you – make things good with you, for you. What do you want?_

He sure as hell isn't happy and carefree and laughing now. Kurt wants to cry again.

"Okay. I'll stay."

And some bit at the back of his head is screaming; telling him how unfair this is, and he wasn't _really_ any more sober than Finn seemed, so why was he the one who somehow did permanent damage? He was just another teenager losing his virginity, and there was no way in hell this should have been able to happen, and why wasn't anyone taking better care of Finn if he was at the point he wouldn't be able to remember what happened when he woke up the next morning? Because Kurt wouldn't of touched him if he had any clue this could happen, so it wasn't his fault and he shouldn't have to live with the guilt for the rest of eternity.

That's just the thing, though – he says it's not his fault. But it was. Whether he meant to or not, he took advantage of someone he cared about and caused permanent damage, and now he has to suck it up and _deal,_ and try and make things as 'better' as they are ever going to get.

Kurt wants to make himself believe things would be worse if Finn found out it was him, and the whole thing was a terrible accident – and the reason he can't tell Finn the truth is because he doesn't want to further the damage. But Kurt knows it's not true; he's just being a coward.


	6. Smart, Secret, Support

**6****: Secret, Smart, Support**

When they return to school, everyone tries their best to keep things as normal. Finn doesn't want anyone to know and so they try to respect that; they stay quiet, try and keep their concern to vague glances and only ask him if he's okay when they're well out of everyone's earshot. Kurt doesn't want to admit how much this keeping-it-secret thing has to do with the keeping-him-out-of-jail, but he can't help it. He's still scared.

Anyway, this works out pretty well for the first few days – everyone seems normal and happy, and blissfully unaware of what's going on. Sure, some of Finn's behavior incurs strange looks, but it's not like anyone will ever guess what's really motivating it. Idiots.

It works until Wednesday, when the Cheerios have their first practice and Kurt gets bundled into a conversation with Brittany and Santana.

"That party was _awesome_," Brittany says enthusiastically. "Puck hasn't even noticed that I took his fish."

"It was pretty cool. I knew where my underwear was and everything," Santana says. Kurt's stomach starts churning, but he forces a smile to his face anyway. For Finn's sake. "It was okay. For Puck, anyway."

Brittany looks confused. "Don't you live with Finn?"

An all-too-familiar feeling of dread starts settling in Kurt's gut. It's shown up _much_ to often in the last week. "What?" he asks dumbly. "Yeah. So?"

Brittany shrugs uncomfortably. "My cousin said he saw Finn at the hospital after that night. He came in reporting his thing; you know, they had to do the physical exam and blood tests; apparently someone had dumped GHB in his drink and done something to him. Didn't that kind of wreck the party for your family?"

Brittany speaks too loudly, and _everyone_ hears. Up to and including Coach Sylvester. They all stare, as Kurt gapes, _desperately_ wracking his brains for some kind of explanation. For Finn's sake. Santana's eyes go wide, and she grabs Brittany's arm roughly.

"Britt!" she shrieks, probably louder than she meant to, and Kurt is suddenly struck by the thought that this might be least composed he's ever seen her. "You said your cousin worked in the _sexual assault_ department thing!"

Brittany just blinks. "Yeah. He does. So didn't that kind of wreck the party for you guys? Unless, he like, didn't tell you, but my cousin said his family was there..."

This can't be happening. The Cheerios just stare, faces full of shock and disbelief and – oh god – suspicion. Kurt knows it's probably due to their own prejudice, but it's a painful reminder of what really happened.

"I..." he still doesn't have an answer. "Yeah, I was just trying to blend into the conversation. Because Finn wanted to keep it secret."

"Well, _that's_ kind of shot to hell now," Santana says, bitchy and angry, and yeah, she's back. "Has no-one ever told you you're a fucking idiot, Britt?"

Brittany looks down. "Sorry," she mumbles, although it's pretty obvious that she still doesn't get what she did wrong.

He wants to be angry at her. He really does. And the back of his head, he's screaming: _How could you? You moron! You stupid, selfish idiot! Do you have any idea what this will do to Finn? To me? To everyone? What is _wrong_ with you_?

But he can't do it. It's like being angry at a kitten, for christ's sake. The girl might be legally retarded – legally makes that thought okay; he doesn't have to avoid Becky's eyes – but that just makes it damn near impossible to make her take responsibility for anything. He doesn't think she knew how badly she was fucking things up by just saying that in front of everyone, and hence he is left with no-one to be mad at. Except himself, obviously, but he's been doing that so much lately that it makes no difference.

"It's okay," he says. She shakes her head.

"No it isn't. You're about to cry," she says, and only then he notices the tears that are forming in his eyes. Dammit.

"Well of course it isn't. But I'm not mad at you," he says.

"Attention, DeCheerios! We have practice!" Sylvester calls, even though the girls are all still staring at Kurt. However, he has never been so thankful for the woman's insanity.

* * *

The school is abuzz when they return on Wednesday. Tina hears Finn's name about a million times, and no-one quite reaches his eyes, so a feeling of dread settles in her gut. She isolates Kurt and Puck just before first period, who are arguing.

"What's going on?" she asks. Kurt sighs, sounding weary.

"Turns out, Britt-Britt's cousin works at the hospital. Sexual assault unit. He was one of the people who had to... attend to Finn. Do not ask me how anyone with that girl's genetics was allowed to work at a hospital; contemplating the thought fills me with a sense of abject terror. Anyway, he told her Finn showed up – which I think there must be some kind of rule against, and how does Brittany's cousin even know who Finn is? – and she's an idiot, so she said that to me at practice. In front of every single Cheerio, and Coach Sylvester. Word spreads; _everybody_ knows now."

"Yeah, because you didn't shut her up," Puck says. "You know Brittany. It's everyone's responsibility to make sure she stays quiet when she's about to be retarded and fuck everything up."

Kurt sighs again. "Tina, would you please inform him that I do not have mind controlling powers, nor would any sort of physical prevention of her speaking last very long, or avoid arousing suspicion? There is only so much I am capable of."

"God, you guys!" she says. "Are you really so determined to hate each other that you're going to fight over _this_?"

They look sheepish. "Sorry T," Puck eventually mumbles.

"That's better," she says. "Have you told Finn?"

"Told him _what,_ exactly?" Kurt snaps, with an expression that's half-way between angry and terrified.

"What?"

"Nothing. Forget it," he breathes deeply. "No, I haven't told him. I probably should have last night, but... I knew he'd freak, and I didn't want that."

"And you don't think it will be worse when he comes back and he's the word on everyone's lips?"

"Fair point," says Kurt. "I'm a fucking idiot."

She's about to refute that when the man of the hour, one Finn Hudson, approaches them. "Hey guys," he says, his voice almost shattered with nerves. "What's going on? No-one is looking at me..."

Kurt, Puck and Tina stare at each other uncomfortably for at least a decade. It would be hilariously awkward if it wasn't so horrible.

Tina is the one who turns back to Finn eventually, biting her lip. "Finn, please don't freak out," she says.

Which is probably sealing their fates that he _will_ freak out.

"Look... one of the people, the doctors at the hospital? It was Brittany's cousin?"

"Kyle?" Finn asks. "Yeah, I know him. Me and Britt were really close in middle school; the guy is cool. They're really close too, and he was really comforting when I was there. But what does that have to do with...?"

Tina sighs. "Finn, he _told_ Brittany you were there. And, in one of those moments of intelligence we all know and love her for, she sort of... said it front of _all_ the Cheerios. And word spread. Everyone... kind of knows."

Finn looks like he's going to cry. "But... But I... I didn't want anyone to know."

Tina shrugs uncomfortably. "I'm sorry," she says, and Kurt looks away, ashamed.

"Hey, if anyone gives you shit about it, I promise to beat them up. Okay?" Puck gives Finn a slap on the shoulder to punctuate, but it doesn't make Finn look much better.

"Okay," he mumbles.

"Look, we have first period Bio. Together, right?" Tina says. "I'll sit with you. You can copy my answers for the questions I _know_ you didn't do... or, you could, if I had done them either. But just... I'll hang around, for now?" she grabs his hand and gives it a comforting squeeze, and afterward they linger, still holding hands.

"Alright," he says. They walk off.

"This is so unfair," Puck mutters. "I can't even make fun of him for holding hands with the nerd girl."

Kurt rolls his eyes. "Poor you."

* * *

To call Glee rehearsal _awkward_ would be like calling Rachel loud, or Brittany dim. Technically accurate, but not really covering the scope of the situation.

It's when Mr. Schue has faltered midway through his speech for the _fifth time_ when he lays eyes on Finn, that the said boy loses it. "Would you all _stop_ staring at me like a zoo animal?"

The room goes almost comically silent. Kurt and Tina share a worried look. "...Sorry, Finn," Mr. Schue eventually says.

"I'm sorry, this is ridiculous," Rachel eventually says. "Why is he here? He's obviously not ready to come back to school yet."

"Sensitive, Rache," Finn says, sounding affronted.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of! It's been less than a week, of _course_ you're not ready to return to your normal life yet. You shouldn't be here; you should be alone with people close to you, or with some sort of counselor, or helping the police collect evidence for the case–"

"I'm not reporting it," Finn says.

"What? Why not?" Rachel asks. She sounds genuinely confused.

Finn shrugs. "I don't want to."

"It's not about what you _want_," Rachel says. "It's about getting justice, and putting this bastard away, and giving him what he deserves–"

"Shut up, Rachel," Kurt says, half for himself and half for Finn. She ignores him.

"–I mean, you have to put this bastard away before he does this to anyone else–"

"Shut _up_, Rachel!" Kurt screams it this time. Finn looks like he's going to cry again.

"...Sorry," Rachel murmurs, suitably chastised. Finn leans into Kurt.

"Thanks."

Kurt doesn't quite manage the 'you're welcome.'

Mr. Schue approaches, taking a hushed, concerned tone. "Finn, are you okay?"

"Gee whiz Mr. Schue, I don't know. What do you think?" Finn responds, loud and angry. The rest of the club turns to staring. Finn shakes his head as if he can't understand something. "I should – I should go," he says, jumping out of his chair. Mr. Schue tries to stop him with a hand on his arm.

"Wait, Finn–"

"Bye, Mr. Schue!" Finn shakes him off and runs out.

"Finn!"

Brittany stares after them blankly. "Wow. I really fucked up."

Kurt swallows hard. "Don't we all, Britt."


	7. Guilt, Guess, Great

**7: Guilt, Guess, Great  
**

Rachel inhales heavily when she sees Finn the next day. _Go on, do it. He won't freak. You need to apologize_.

It takes a few seconds of internal pep-talking until she approaches him at his locker. He doesn't notice until she clears her throat, and he looks startled.

"Hey," she says.

"...Hey?" he sounds confused. There's an awkward pause, and he's really not making this any easier.

"I just wanted to say... I am so sorry, about yesterday," she says. "I was insensitive and selfish, and thought I knew what was best for everyone when, really, I have no idea. This happened to you, not me. I did some research... and I understand; I was being disrespectful and pushy at the time when you needed to me to be supportive the most. And I'm sorry."

He smiles weakly. "It's okay," he says. "Although, you might take it as a bad sign that you have to google it when you're being kind of a bitch."

"I'm _sorry_," she repeats.

"And it's okay. Really. You're trying, and that counts for a lot. Most of this school won't even look me in the eye now..." he trails off, shifting uncomfortably. She reaches out to grasp his arm.

"They expect you to fall apart. Want it, even – people are addicted to drama like that. I think... whoever did this to you is watching too, and they're just waiting to see how they destroyed you. Do not give them the satisfaction, Finn," she says (it's not pushy there because she's trying to be inspirational).

He smiles and mockingly salutes her. "Aye aye sir!"

This Kodak moment is interrupted when she turns around when she sees Azimio on a path straight towards them. _Oh god, no, don't_. She knows Azimio and Karofsky and the like are savage brutes capable of enormous cruelty, and possessing little to no compassion for other human beings, but even they must have enough of a conscience not to use _Finn's rape_ as an excuse to make fun.

As he gets closer, Rachel's dread becomes tinged with confusion. His eyes aren't full of the usual arrogant mockery, but instead a sort of rage he never knew he was capable of. _What the hell?_

Then he completely surprises her by turning hard left and slamming Karofsky into a locker.

"We need to talk. Now!" Azimio barks, little bits of spit landing on Karofsky's face. _How unhygenic,_ Rachel thinks.

"What the hell, man?"

"Oh don't you even try that shit with me; you know exactly what this shit is about!"

Karofsky struggles to get away, but Azimio just slams him again and holds him more securely. By now, everyone is staring at them – they're not exactly quiet.

"Can we not talk about this here?"

"Nah. We're talking about it _right_ here," Azimio answers. "Because okay, I think I'd wanna have some witnesses when I beat the truth out of ya. Because this? Was so no the plan."

"I didn't do anything, okay!" Karofsky yells. "You were there, man; I lost him when you did! Fuck knows what happened next..."

"Well ain't that just fine and dandy," says Azimio. "The night you fucking drug him, then 'lose' him, is the night before the morning he wakes up wondering where his ass-virginity is. What a fucking coincidence, huh?"

Rachel gasps. They're talking about Finn.

Who fell under that previous 'everyone'.

Karofsky shoves Azimio back. "We did this together, you fucking cocksucker! We drugged him together so we could fuck him over!"

"I did not mean it literally!"

"I didn't do anything!" Karofsky protests. "Fuck, I don't know what happened!"

Rachel notices that Kurt has wandered into view, and is watching the scene with growing horror. Unfortunately, Karofsky notices too.

"Hey, look over there!" Karofsky says, sensing an easy scapegoat. "Fucking fag twenty-ten. Not a guess he might have taken advantage of the situation then?"

Kurt gasps, and looks like he's about to burst into tears. Rachel clenches her fist – she still doesn't like Kurt much, but she's outraged by anyone trying to blame Finn's rape on Kurt's sexuality, and outraged that they're trivializing Finn's rape as some reason to further there prejudice.

Azimio shrugs it off. "Oh believe me, I know. I was just about to go beat the shit out of _him_ for the truth, once I got done with you. But you still gave him the fucking drugs."

"You did that too!" points out Karofsky. "Explain to me why we aren't ganging up to kick that little perverts ass?"

_Come on, Kurt, why aren't you standing up for yourself?_ Rachel thinks. He just looks down.

"Because I don't fucking trust you any more than I do him," Azimio says. Then he turns to Kurt. "What's a matter, homo? Cat got your tongue?"

"I – I–"

"See? He can't even bring himself to deny it," Karofsky says.

"Leave him alone!" Rachel blurts in. "Kurt Hummel is ten times the man either of you will ever be, and he would never..."

"Oh god, someone shut her up," says Azimio. Which seems slightly disconnected from the rest of his argument, really. "Princess of the Queers appealing for clemency. Mind your own fucking business, Berry."

She's caught between being offended and being shocked he knows what the word 'clemency' means.

"This is my business," she mumbles, but they don't hear her.

Karofsky sighs in irritation. "So are you done now? You over your psycho fit where you think I'm..."

Azimio slams into the locker again. "Hell no! I'm not done with you! You fucker, I still think Hudson's–"

"Well you're a fucking moron, and why do you care so much anyway?"

"I didn't do this to–"

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone turns around to stare at Finn, his face white as a ghost, clenching and unclenching his fist and looking like he might burst into tears at any moment. "All of you," he says, "Shut. The fuck. Up."

Then he stalks off, and a sense of calm is returned to the world. Azimio storms away, and Karofsky collapses against the locker in defeat. Rachel tries to send Kurt a comforting look.

* * *

Kurt didn't want to wind up alone in the McKinley High School hallways. He was just trying to avoid being alone with Finn as much as he could, now the accusation had been made by someone out loud. That meant avoiding going home with him.

"Yo, homo! Found any more straight boys to violate?"

Oh god. He's not alone. Karofsky's there with him. Fabulous.

"I thought you thought Finn was a 'fag' too?"

Karofsky just shrugs. "Whatever. You didn't answer the question."

Kurt falters for a second. "I..." then he reaffirms his posture, and looks Karofsky dead in the eyes. "I did not rape Finn, and I am horrified at what happened. You should be too."

"Why the fuck should I believe you?"

Kurt shrugs. "Why should Azimio believe _you_? But it was still true, and you still wanted him to buy it, right?"

Kurt vaguely wonders how he got this good at bullshitting people. For whatever reason, it seems to get to Karofsky.

"It is," he says. "Look, if you tell anyone I said this, faggot, I'll destroy you more than usual, but... Fuck it, this _sucks_. I never meant for this to happen, you know? I was just trying to fuck him over for a good time, then _this_ shit happened, and I don't know what to do. I mean, fuck Hudson most of the time, I don't care, but this is different. He didn't fucking deserve that, and it happened because of me, so now I blame myself and I'm like, hang on, how's _that_ fair? I never meant for this to happen and I didn't do anything wrong, so why should I have to deal with the guilt?"

Kurt inhales deeply. He never expected to identify with David Karofsky.

"Yeah," he says. "Goodbye."

He practically runs out of there, and hopes it's not too suspicious.


	8. Attack, Attitude, Attending

**8: Attack, Attitude, Attending**

Kurt should be expecting what happens the next day a lot more than he is. He's showed up early for school, allegedly to do work – in reality, he's avoiding Finn as much as possible. Which isn't very much, given they go to the same school and live in the same house and do a few of the same extra-curriculars, but what can you do?

Anyway, he's not expecting it when he walks to his locker and sees his books, stationary, spare clothing strewn over the floor. The lock is broken and lying to the locker's left, by way of an explanation. The crowning jewel, however, is a succinct message spray-painted at the back of his now empty locker:

_FAG RAPIST._

Kurt doubles over in pain, shock and guilt, and does his best not to thrown up.

Then the first punch comes.

Kurt doesn't see it coming, and falls to the floor, his nose smacking against the vinyl. He's too in shock to do anything for a second, before he feels a kick to his side. "Fucking fag!"

He rolls over to try and see what's going on, and finds out he is being ambushed by Karofsky and his type; kicking and punching enthusiastically. He doesn't get much time to think about that, because it _hurts_ and he's more focused on protecting himself from physical damage. Luckily for him, the yells turn incoherent pretty soon, so he doesn't have to deal with the accusations and emotional pain atop the physical.

It doesn't take long until Karofsky is thrown off him; and the other guys quickly get distracted by whoever Kurt's savior is. "What the fuck are you doing?"

That's Finn.

Kurt draws himself back into a sitting position (he can vaguely tell his nose is bleeding), gaping at Finn punching Karofsky like Karofsky's goons are.

Not that he's not grateful for being (undeservedly) protected, but Kurt can tell Finn's taking this farther than he needs to. Karofsky is obviously no longer in the state to attack, but Finn keeps punching him regardless. The part of Kurt that wants vengeance on his attackers is overruled by the part of him that knows this isn't healthy. You don't have to look that close to tell Finn has tears in his eyes.

"Fucking son of a bitch!" Finn screams as he punches Karofsky again and again. "You bastard! You can't do this! You can't _touch_ me!"

It's those words that snap Kurt out of his spell; make him stand up and rush over to Finn's side. "Finn, Finn!" he calls, pulling on Finn's arm. "I think you've made your point."

And just like that, Finn drops it. "I– I–" he's starting to shake, and Kurt doesn't know what to do. He bites his lip and places a comforting arm around Finn's shoulders. Finn leans to him like he thinks Kurt can protect him, which is both ridiculous and makes Kurt's guilt even worse.

Karofsky glares at them, wiping the blood from his nose. "Ain't this priceless," he says. "Finn Hudson trying to protect Kurt Hummel and losing his mind over it. Bastard's the one who did this to him in the first place."

Finn gets mad and lunges again; Kurt pulls him back by the arm. "Whoa, easy cowboy!" he calls. "He'll believe what he wants to. Don't lose your head."

Kurt looks at Finn's knuckles, decorated with Karofsky's blood, and his stomach lurches. All he can think about is how physically strong and dangerous Finn really is, and how he could really want to hurt who he considered responsible for what happened to him.

A staring match ensues between Finn and Karofsky. Kurt doesn't know what to do. Luckily, Coach Tanaka interrupts. "HEY! What's going on here?"

Finn and Karofsky just stare at him. Tanaka looks furious when he sees the blood on the floor, and Kurt and Karofsky's faces. "I... There was an incident," says Kurt. "I think it would be a good idea for us all to go to the nurse."

Tanaka finally eyes the graffiti on Kurt's locker, and something in his eyes seems to click. "Alright," he says.

* * *

Kurt and Finn sit in the nurse's office uncomfortably. They don't know where Karofsky is right now and they don't _care_; neither of them want to deal with the whole situation.

"I'm sorry," Finn mumbles. Kurt flinches.

"It's alright," he says. "You're... having difficulties."

Finn shakes his head. "Kurt, don't," he says. "I totally lost it, man."

Kurt sighs. "Okay, yes, you did. It's hard to blame you, however," he says. He thinks it over a few seconds. "'You can't touch me,' you said... Do you really think he did it?"

Finn looks uncomfortable. "I don't know," he says. "And, altogether, I'm not sure if I want to."

Kurt nods. "Okay?"

"What about you?"

"_What_?"

"Do you think he did it?" Finn asks, looking up at Kurt imploringly.

"I..." Kurt's not sure what to say. "No."

"Why?" Finn asks.

"I don't know," Kurt lies.

"How's your nose?"

"Okay," Kurt says. "How are you in general?"

Finn shrugs. "Shitty. But, not that bad given the circumstances and all..."

Kurt nods.

"This is so fucking unfair," Finn mutters.

"I know," Kurt says sympathetically. "What happened to you was..."

"No, not me," Finn clarifies. Kurt's confused. "I mean, that's not fair either, but... people should just _assume_ you did it, because you're gay and you kind of liked me once. It's really mean. Dude, this town sucks."

Kurt flinches and does his best to keep the tears back. "I guess," he says.

He doesn't like the thought that he's let more people than just Finn down.

Finn sighs. "There anything you want me to do, dude? I think I can leave..."

"Could you get Mercedes?" Kurt asks. "No offense, but... I'd really like to have my best friend around right now."

Finn blinks at him. "Wait, aren't you two not talking?"

Kurt's confused again. "What?"

Finn shrugs uncomfortably. "It's just... I haven't seen her around you for a while. I thought she was mad or something."

Kurt thinks, and suddenly realizes he _hasn't_ spent any time with Mercedes for the last few weeks – any attempt of his to approach her has been pretty quickly brushed off. He suddenly realizes he hasn't properly _talked_ to her for weeks; since the day before Brittany let everyone know about Finn...

Kurt doesn't even want to think about the implications of that.

"Oh. Well... We're not fighting," Kurt says. "Could you just fine her, please?"

Finn nods. "Sure," he says, then he walks off.

It makes Kurt a little sick that Finn's acting like he's the one who should be comforting and caring for Kurt.

* * *

Mercedes is pretty easy to find. "'Cedes?"

She turns around to see him, and looks surprised. "Finn, hey," she says. "What's up?"

That's her sympathetic voice.

Finn knows everyone's trying to help, but he's kind of _really_ sick of hearing everyone's sympathetic voice.

Still, for now, he ignores it. "Uh, it's Kurt. He's in the nurse's office... Karofsky started a thing. About my whole, y'know... incident," he says. He doesn't want to say the word. He's just not prepared right now. "He's okay, but... he asked me to go get you."

Mercedes nods. She looks nervous. "Oh. Okay," she says. "I just need to get something from my locker first."

Finn accepts this without another thought. "Cool," he says.

Mercedes bites her lip. "Finn, are you... okay?"

"I... I guess, you know?" Finn shrugs. "I mean, as much as you could expect."

Mercedes nods. "Alright," she says.

Then she walks off.

* * *

There are various things Quinn Fabray does not expect.

One of them being finding her best friend hiding under a table in an empty classroom.

"'Cedes? What are you doing down there?"

Mercedes jumps up when she hears Quinn's voice, and winds up whacking her head. "Ow!" she yells. "Quinn?"

"Are you okay?" Quinn asks.

"What? Yeah," says Mercedes. She sighs deeply. "I'm sorry; I'm being... stupid."

She crawls out from under the table and sits on it, looking upset. Quinn frowns in concern and sits next to her.

"Okay, now I'm worried. What's wrong?"

Mercedes bites her lip. "It's just... apparently, Kurt wants to see me. There was some kind of a fight, about what happened to Finn... He's okay but..."

Quinn raises an eyebrow. "And this... elicits the same response as an earthquake for you?"

"It's complicated," says Mercedes.

"Mercedes... you don't believe the homophobic bullshit everyone's been spreading; that Kurt _must_ have done it, because he's gay and used to like Finn?"

"No!" Mercedes cries, just a bit too fast. "I just..."

"Wanna know what I think?" Quinn says. "Kurt's your best friend. And people are saying horrible, untrue things about him, and he really needs you to tell him you – anyone that matters – knows they couldn't possibly be true. Go to him. Be a good friend."

Mercedes sighs. "Okay," she says. "Thanks for the advice, Quinn."

She walks off, and Quinn just sits there. She should feel good for her advice, but she can't shake the feeling there's something she doesn't know.


	9. Suspect, Surrender, Solve

**9: Suspect, Surrender, Solve**

Mercedes can't honestly believe Kurt would _ever_ do something like that; everything that's going about the school is just prejudiced hysteria. It's _Kurt_; he's her man, and he wouldn't hurt anyone like that. She knows this. She loves him, and more importantly, she _trusts_ him.

She just wishes it was that simple.

She can't help it; she _remembers_ how Kurt showed up at her doorstep, having some kind of nervous breakdown. He cried his heart out and told her he 'screwed up', but he just _could not_ tell her how, and that made her kind of suspicious even before she had any idea what had really happened at that party. Now, the thought is killing her.

She won't believe Kurt really did that to Finn – she feels horrible for even _thinking_ it, but she can't shake the feeling that Kurt showing up was more than a coincidence. She prays that, even if it _was_ about that, it wasn't what you'd think – Kurt felt like he'd screwed up by not protecting Finn or something. Honestly, that probably makes more sense, because if Kurt had really done _that,_ would he be all remorseful about it?

So she should believe that theory, but the thoughts – _awful_ thoughts – won't leave her alone. And she can't just _ask_ Kurt what he was actually talking about, because he'd probably refuse to tell her just like he did before, and it would break his heart if he ever realized she could think...

All in all, this leads to her head hurting all the time, and the fact she can't even look her best friend right now without wanting to puke.

She is so _screwed_.

But anyway, Kurt has actually asked for her this time, so she's going to suck it up and deal.

She walks in and immediately sees he has bruises on his face. "Oh my god!" she cries. "What did they do you?"

"Physical violence. A combination of a hate crime and misaimed vigilante justice," he says, looking down at the floor. When he finally meets her eyes, his smile is weak. "Hey, Mercedes."

She swoops down to his side to hug him. "Hey," she replies, before pulling back. "Seriously though, you owe me a major explanation for this. What. Happened?"

She tries not to pay attention to the way he flinches at her question. "Basically, when I got to school this morning, I found my locker had been vandalized – homophobic slurs, and... claims I was the one who..." he trails off, then shakes his head. "Then Karofsky and his goons jumped me. Finn intervened, but... he was having something of a nervous breakdown while doing so, and that worried me," he looks down at the floor again after saying this, and Mercedes pauses uncomfortably.

"So, uh... do you know what's happening now?" she asks.

Kurt shrugs. "Finn's pretty much gotten a get-out-of-jail-free card for anything and everything, given, uh, his situation. I've been here most of the day; no-one's explained much to me. I didn't know what on Earth was going on with Karofsky for quite a while, but apparently, his father has been called in, and my father has been called in, and his father has been called in, and they're all discussing the situation with Principal Figgins. No-one has said why _I_ am not considered an important part of this discussion, but oh well."

Mercedes sighs and takes his hand. "You wanna go eavesdrop?"

"Thought you'd never ask."

* * *

"You cannot be serious about this–" yells Karofsky Snr., as Kurt and Mercedes unsubtly press their ears against the door.

"Damn right he better be serious about this!" yells Burt, making Mercedes jump a little. "After what your kid did–"

"Oh, hell no! David fucked up due to _massive_ personal issues, and the fact that yeah, he actually wants to help a kid he knows who's in major shit right now–"

"Don't give me that! My boys have told me about this guy, here; I _know_ him and Finn can't stand each other! He's got a better chance of being the one who did this than my son does. Speaking of which, I think we can all guess why Kurt's everyone's prime suspect, huh?"

"Oh god, not with the homophobia bullcrap. Look, you've heard about my kid? I've heard about _your_ kid. _Everyone _knows he liked Hudson, so don't make out like he'd have no reason to put a hand on him–"

"And, uh, despite all I know how _shit _this understanding of why someone would commit rape is, I gotta ask: are you rounding up everyone who ever liked Finn? Or just the _guy_ who dared to do it?"

"Sorry to bring this up, because it must be annoying dealing with this with one kid, but Hudson got a dick in his ass when he was passed out, so yeah–"

"_Mr. Hummel, Mr. Karofsky!"_ bursts out Principal Figgins, making everyone jump – including Kurt and Mercedes. "This is not a matter of discussion. David committed a hate crime; an act of homophobia, violence and defamation. Kurt Hummel has done nothing, and certainly nothing that can be proven. He has a history of this sort of behavior, and in accordance with all school policies, he is expelled!"

There's an uncomfortable silence. Mercedes comfortingly squeezes Kurt's shoulder as he just stares.

"Don't think this is over, Figgins," mutters Karofsky Snr. "I don't care what you think, but you're not going to do this to my son."

"Look, I don't know what your problem is," says Burt, "But you keep your little psycho the hell away from my family, alright?"

"_Gentlemen_," says Figgins, "Could you just _leave_ now?"

There is some mumbling before they agree to do so, and Kurt and Mercedes stop paying attention. They collapse against the doorframe. "They expelled him," says Kurt, like he barely understands the concept. "Because of what happened. They expelled him for attacking me."

Mercedes raises an eyebrow. "This surprises you?"

Kurt flinched and didn't answer. Something in Mercedes' gut started to _hurt_.

Then someone started to push the door open. "What the hell?"

"Ah!" yelled Mercedes as she and Kurt pulled away and tried to stand up before they were crushed to death. Karofsky, his dad and Burt just stared at them all.

"Kurt? What are you doing here?" asked Burt.

"What the fuck are you freaks doing snooping here?" snapped Karofsky Snr. "Haven't you ruined everything enough?"

There was an awkward silence as Mercedes waits for Kurt to be Kurt; to tear the people hating on him to pieces. It doesn't happen, as he just stares at the floor, looking awful. She has to step up to the plate. "Hey, uh, _he_ was the one who got beat up for no real reason. Think he has a right to be hearing what exactly was going on about it?"

Mercedes shoots Kurt a look; one that means _'boy, where are you and why aren't you being awesome right now?'_

"Right," sneers Daddy Karofsky. "Poor kid. He's just such an innocent victim."

Kurt suddenly looks back up. "I did nothing wrong," he whispers.

"What?"

"I did nothing wrong. I don't care what your ignorant prejudices make you believe," he says, and then he turns a harsh glare to the Karofsky they know. "And as for _you_... the word 'why?' springs to mind," he says. Karofsky stares. "Honestly, given _everything _I'd expect you to just avoid anything to do with this at all costs," he says. "We _know_ you helped drug him. Everyone knows. Aren't you worried about seeming dangerous, _suspicious_?"

"Wait, _what_?" yells Burt, who obviously didn't fall under that 'everyone'.

Kurt shakes his head, ignoring his dad for now. "And the thing is, you said you didn't do it. I said I didn't do it. And you didn't seem so desperate to act like I was the villain for five minutes; you _talked_ to me. You said exactly how horrible you felt because of what happened; how guilty, and how _angry_, because you never meant this to happen and why should you have to carry that responsibility around for the rest of your life?" his voice is starting to crack on that, but he hides it well with a snort. "And I believed you. And I felt _sorry_ for you. Not so sure what to think now."

"Fuck you, Hummel!" yells Karofsky. "You don't have a fucking clue what's going on, or why I'm–"

"Shut up!" yells Kurt, a little less composed. He gets back to normal quickly. "You know what I saw there? I thought you would put aside your prejudices to look at the situation _properly_, and see what was actually the most likely explanation," he says. "I was undoubtedly wrong, because sometimes I am, well, _fucking stupid_. Is it easier, David, just to hurt the easiest target there so you can pretend you feel a little less terrible and like you deserve to die?"

"SHUT UP!"

Kurt smirks. "Hit a nerve," he says. "Goodbye, Karofsky. I won't say I'll miss you."

Karofsky Snr. puts a hand over his son's shoulder, although he appears somewhat stricken by the revelation of the role everyone _knows_ Karofsky had in the rape. "Come on, son, let's just go. We don't need to put up with this," he says, and they both walk off. Kurt exhales deeply.

"Fuckers," mutters Burt. "Come on. We're finding Finn and getting out of here, kiddo," he says, wrapping an arm around Kurt.

"Can Mercedes come with us?" he blurts out. "Please? I need her."

Burt looks at her for a few seconds, and sighs. "Alright. But if her parents kill me, it's not my fault."

"Noted," says Kurt. "First, I need to get something from my locker," he says, pulling away from his father's embrace. "'Cedes come with me."

They head off for his locker, and once they get there, she feels the impulse to start talking. "So, uh, you were pretty awesome there," she says. "I mean, telling him where to shove it, and how you wouldn't do something like that and he's a homophobic, hypocritical piece of shit. Did you guys really have that talk?"

She's not expecting what happens next.

Kurt goes limp, rests his head against his locker, and starts crying.

"Kurt?" she asks, heart sinking again. "What's wrong?"

"I can't tell you," he says, and it's like a bullet to the head. He said before. "Just... stay and go home with us, okay?"

"I can't," she blurts out. Some part of her she doesn't even understand is panicking. "I have to... not go."

"Mercedes, don't–"

"Sorry," she says, turning on her heel. She can't even pretend she's not crying like he is as she goes.

She needs to figure this out, and _fix_ this somehow.


	10. Logic, Loss, Loneliness

**10: Logic, Loss, Loneliness**

When Kurt returns to the front of the office, where his father is, Finn has gotten there, as if by magic. "How did you get here?" he asks curiously.

"Uh, they have an intercom system," Finn explains. "I was called. I don't really know why they're letting me out for the day, but hey, I'm getting out of school. It's like the Romans with the gift in the pig's mouth, right?"

Kurt blinks. "Uh, the Greeks. And it was a horse."

Finn nods. "Oh. Where does that saying even come from, anyway?"

Kurt frowns. "Um, Greek mythology I assume, but I'm not entirely sure. I think it's something to do with the siege of Troy."

"Hey, Kurt, where'd Mercedes go?" Dad interrupts, making something sharp stab through Kurt's stomach. He does his best not to let it show, however.

"Oh, uh, she suddenly remembered she had something to do. She couldn't go with us, unfortunately," he explains. "I probably shouldn't have just assumed..."

Burt looks confused. "What did she say she had to go do?"

"You know, she forgot to explain that bit too," a tiny bit of Kurt's bitterness seeps through, along with a bit of his fear – if Mercedes is scared, and coming up with weak excuses to avoid him, she must have a reason. Which could mean she's figured out what he did, what's truly going – given how he collapsed on her, she has more evidence than anyone else would. Still, even though she would be _right_ in a roundabout way, it hurts she wouldn't trust him.

He shakes the thought away. Mercedes wouldn't think that of him; she's probably just panicking in response to the entire situation, and doing her best to avoid it. Not fabulous, but understandable.

"Oh. Alright then," says his dad. "Anyway, let's get out of here."

"Off to see the wizard," Finn adds unnecessarily.

* * *

The ride home is silent, and uncomfortable. No-one has anything to say; or at least, no-one has anything anyone else would want to hear.

Out of nowhere, Kurt blurts out "You didn't have to do that, you know."

Finn blinks. Kurt catches his father's eye in the rear-view mirror, but neither of them say anything.

"...What?" Finn eventually asks.

"That fight. Standing up for me. You didn't have to do all that," Kurt says, staring out the window. Finn is quiet for a _long_ moment.

"...Uh, I kind of did. Man, you're like, my almost stepbrother, my friend, and generally an innocent dude being beaten up for no reason. What kind of dick would I be if I _didn't_ step in?"

Kurt doesn't answer that; he just pulls his knees under his chin and leans his head against the window. Burt says nothing, trying to focus on the drive. Finn just looks at Kurt in confusion.

And the ride returns to that uncomfortable silence.

* * *

Burt finds Finn watching the TV in the lounge room.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey," Finn responds. Burt sits down next to him, sighing uncomfortably.

"Look, Finn," he says. "Those guys at the school told me about what happened. Apparently, you got a bit more out of hand than was really needed – not that I'm complaining about you defending my kid, but still."

Finn doesn't respond.

"...Do you wanna talk?"

Finn scrunches up his face as he shakes his head, and Burt's sort of worried he's going to burst into tears. "No," he says. Burt just stares at him for a long moment, and Finn sighs. "Look, man, I'm sorry. I'm just trying to figure out what to do with all this, you know? It's like... it all hurts _so_ much, but I'm trying not to say that all the time and all, because what good'll that do? So, I mean, I try to do that thing where it gets better; you get stronger and at some point, you can like, look the guy who did this to you in the eye and not cry like a baby – like in all those Lifetime movies Mom watches. But sometimes... I just can't help it. I wanna feel better, and I'm trying, but I just _don't_ right now, so sometimes... I guess I just freaked. Sorry."

"It's alright, Finn," says Burt. "And for the record, I don't think bottling this up is a healthy way to deal. Although, if you didn't wanna talk, you're doing a pretty terrible job of that right now."

Finn laughs. Then there's an awkward silence.

"Look, Finn," Burt's not really sure how to say this, but it needs to be said. "After that Karofsky guy got kicked out, Kurt said something to him – he said he was the one who drugged you."

Finn shrugs and avoids Burt's eyes. "Yeah. Him and Azimio."

Burt frowns. "You knew about this?"

"Everyone knows," Finn answers simply. "Azimio kinda accused Karofsky of being the one who... you know, _did it_... after Britt kinda let everyone know what happened. Apparently, they roofied me as part of some really badly thought out prank. Azimio did this in front of _everyone_, so everyone knew what they'd done. Including me."

Burt sits further up, suddenly alert. "Wait, what? They drugged you. Doesn't that mean they did it? One of them, anyway."

Finn shakes his head. "I'm not sure," he says. "I mean, I hate those dudes, no lie, but... Azimio was pretty mad about the whole thing, and really seemed to have thought _Karofsky_ did it, which says something for his innocence. And according to everyone, including Kurt, Karofsky feels terrible about the whole thing, so... yeah. I mean, even if it's all homophobic bullshit, he did seem to _really think_ Kurt would have done it because he's, you know... and that doesn't really work if he did it. Unless he has like, some kind of amnesia."

Burt sighs. "You've got a point," he says. "I just hate feeling like we don't know _anything_. Don't you?"

Finn flinches. "Honestly, I'm not sure I _want_ to know," he says. Burt stares at him, confused. "Look, it's just that... I honestly don't know how it's meant to make things better. But if it _doesn't_ make things better, then zip; that's it, it's over, thank you for playing. I've lost everything, and if that didn't make it better, nothing ever will. And I am so not ready for that, so I'd kind of rather just keep it in the dark and not have to _know _there is like, no hope for me," Finn concludes his explanation with a sigh. "That doesn't make _any_ sense, does it?"

Burt hesitates. "...Not really, but I think you've _earned_ the right to make no sense."

Finn chuckles. Burt smiles at him.

"And there's just like... this thing at the back of my head..." Finn starts, serious again, "...and it's telling me, there's something..."

Finn trails off, and Burt looks in at him. "...I don't know," Finn concludes. Burt sighs.

"I feel sorry for you," he says.

"Well, yeah," says Finn.

There's an awkward pause.

"Screw it," says Finn, and then he jumps into Burt's arms to hug him. The older man is a bit taken aback at first, but he returns the hug, letting Finn bury his head against his neck. "Thank you," whispers Finn.

"You're welcome, kid," Burt says, patting Finn's back comfortingly.

From just around the door, Kurt stares at them; he wipes away a tear and wraps his arms around himself. _Cut it out, Hummel; this is a good thing._ He has no right to feel so alone because of the scene before him, and how obviously Dad cares for Finn and will protect him however possible.

Even though it's just as obvious the side he's taken against _Finn's rapist_.


	11. Convey, Contrary, Consent

**11: Convey, Contrary, Consent**

Kurt finds Mercedes in the choir room just before Glee. "Hey," he says. "I didn't see you in history."

She shrugs. "I had to go talk to Ms. Pilsbury," Kurt looks at her in concern. "Nothing serious, don't worry! Just like, classes for next year and stuff."

"We did that months ago," he points out. She looks nervous, and there's a gnawing sensation in his gut again.

"I had stuff to confirm," she explains. "There was, um, a bug, so I had to go back and go over it again. Says something about this school, huh?"

"...Yeah," says Kurt. There's an awkward pause.

"...So, where is everyone?" asks Mercedes, getting out of her chair. "Seriously, it's like the Marie Celeste in here. I think I'm gonna go look."

"It's been three minutes, Mercedes, you don't have to bother quite yet." He doesn't mean to, but the bitterness seeps through his words. She stares at him, and he shakes his head. "So, uh, where did you have to go yesterday? You kind of freaked out on me."

"Oh, uh, doctor's appointment," she explains. "I didn't remember it until _you_ started needing to leave the school; I felt bad, but... my dad would kill me for breaking an appointment. You know my memory."

"Not really, no," he mutters. She looks at him oddly, but doesn't respond.

She seems uncomfortable. "God, where is everyone? I'm gonna call Tina; girl better have a reason."

She's half-way through the number when Kurt grabs the phone out of her hand. "Mercedes, _why_ are you avoiding me?"

She gasps a little. "Wait, what?"

"I'm not stupid!" he says. "Mysterious appointments you never told me about and didn't remember, skipping classes, how uncomfortable you are being alone with me right now... what are you scared of? Don't you trust me?"

She hesitates. "I... I don't want to talk about this," she eventually says. "I'm gonna go find Tina, okay?"

He grabs her by the wrist to stop her walking out the door. "No, we are _talking_ about this!"

"Don't touch me!"

She pulls away from his grasp and he just stares at her. "Mercedes, what is going on?"

She doesn't answer.

"Did something happen? Did _I_ do something?" Still, no answer. "'Cedes, what is _wrong_ with you? I'm worried. I mean, we're all already under so much stress trying to help Finn..." she flinches. "Please, if I've done something, _tell_ me. So I can say sorry, or something. I don't understand all this, Mercedes; unless I've done some horrible thing–"

She surprises him then. She bursts out laughing.

"What?"

"How bad do you think my memory is, Hummel?" she asks, and he just stares at her. "Come on. You showed up my doorstep three weeks ago, telling me you _screwed up_. Did something horrible. And... what horrible thing happened around then, huh?"

Kurt gapes at her. "Mercedes, I..."

_No. No this is not _happening_ to me._ He was so scared of her figuring it out; trusting blind luck since Brittany spread the word, and now... he expected her to trust him.

"I'm sorry," she shakes her head, sounding like she's about to cry. "I mean, I'm trying to look at all this and find some kind of reason to trust you, but it's just _not working_, though I feel awful about it because, hey, you're my best friend! But Finn's my friend too, and I just..."

He stares at her helplessly. "Mercedes, please. You know I wouldn't..."

"Then explain?" she implores him. "Please. It would give me a _lot _of peace; you have no idea. So just tell me. Tell me what happened; what you _did_, and everything'll be fine."

He just stares at her. There's nothing to say. "I just... I felt bad, because I let him go and he wound up–"

"Stop!" she yells. "Come on, Kurt. I'm your best friend; do you think I can't tell when you're lying to me?"

He keeps staring, eyes glazed with tears. She stares back. If he can't lie, what hope is there for him at all?

As if on cue, someone comes in. "Mercedes? Kurt?"

Mercedes turns to the entrant. "_Finn_?" Despite herself, she laughs. "Well, I can't fault you for timing, boy."

Finn steps closer to them. "Okay, what's going on?" he asks. "Guys. Are you okay? Either of you? You kind of both look like you're about to burst into tears, and..."

He looks between them uncomfortably. Mercedes keeps staring at Kurt, who avoids her eyes. "Okay, let's have him explain it to you, because he sure won't do it for me."

Finn looks at him, confused. Kurt shakes his head. "Yeah, sorry. We're not doing this," he starts heading for the door.

"Okay, you bitched me out when I tried that, so you don't get to walk off!" Mercedes yells. "I think you've got more to answer for than I do."

"No. You can think what you want of me, I don't care. I thought you were better than that," he says. Yes, it's bullshit, but they needn't know that.

"You are _not_ playing the homophobia card with me!" she snaps. "I told you what was going on. You showed up at my front door, crying your eyes out and telling me you'd done something awful – _illegal_, even. I thought you were just exaggerating at the time, but now? After the pseudo-stepbrother I _know_ you've been in love with for like, ever? And I'm _not_ meant to be suspicious about that?"

Finn stares at Kurt, gaping. "Finn, I..."

"Dude, what did you do?" he sounds like he's about to burst into tears as well. "Come on, man, you wouldn't... what happened? Just tell me, why were you there; if you were so fucked up about something else... Just tell me, I need to..."

Kurt can't answer him; Kurt can't _look_ at him. "I just... I felt bad because I didn't..."

"Don't lie, Kurt," says Mercedes.

Finn's starting to look angry. "Kurt. What _happened_?"

Kurt snaps. "Okay! We slept together, okay? That's what happened that night. I was drunk and you were drugged and I slept with you, okay?"

He breaks into tears. Finn gapes at him.

"You... You _raped_ me!"

"No!" Kurt yells. "I'm sorry, Finn, but I would never... I didn't know about the drugs. I just... _You_ started it!" it's probably wrong to bring that up, anyway. "I've been in love with you since I was fourteen. I couldn't... All I wanted was you. I knew it was a bad idea;, but I couldn't help it; I was _drunk_, and I just..."

Finn shakes his head. "I... I don't understand," he says. "I don't remember _anything_... I was _passed out_; some bastard..."

"You weren't unconscious, I promise you; you didn't seem any less sober than myself," Kurt tells him. "I _didn't know_ about the drugs. If I did, even if I was... I wouldn't have..."

Finn swallows. "Why should I believe you?"

Kurt doesn't have an answer to that. "...I don't know," he admits. "Because you trust me?" he says. "Because I love you?"

"Uh, guys..." Mercedes tries to cut in, but they ignore her.

"No, sorry, I don't get it," Finn says. "You _left_. If you loved me so much; if this was all you wanted, why did you go? Why did you just _abandon_ me? If it was some tender and loving and all that shit, why would I wake up _alone_?"

"Guys!" yells Mercedes, and they suddenly pay attention. The rest of the club is crowded at the door, gaping at this new information.

"Kurt..." whispers Tina, and he flinches.

"Alright," he says, sniffling back his tears. "Fine. To hell with it. What would have happened if I stayed, huh? We were going to be _stepbrothers_, Finn. You're straight. There were about a _million_ reasons it was a horrible idea; I knew that before we did it, but when I woke up I was sober enough to pay attention. If I'd stayed, I'd _know_ you'd freak out. I thought just running away would give us the chance to pretend it never happened; minimize the damage..." he looks up at Finn. "Think about it, Finn. If I'd stayed, can you honestly say you wouldn't have broken my heart?"

For a long moment, they just stare at each other, while the rest of the club stares at them. "...Screw this," Finn eventually says, pushing past the rest of the club with a badly-concealed sob.

Kurt sighs, collapses on a chair, and lets himself cry.


	12. Discussion, Despair, Doom

**12: Discussion, Despair, Doom**

Everyone leaves Kurt alone eventually, to curl up and cry on his own. He doesn't know if they're angry or upset or scared or just _confused_, but he doesn't care. He doesn't particularly want to talk to anyone right now anyway.

And of course, he just had to think that, because Mercedes then comes back in and awkwardly takes a seat next to him.

"Hey," she says. "So... I wanted to say sorry. I really screwed up. I shouldn't have freaked out like that, and I _definitely_ shouldn't have blurted everything out like that. I was just... scared."

He doesn't answer her.

"Kurt, please, talk to me; okay, I _know_ you're mad – you have every right to be. I know what I did–"

"I'm not mad at you," he says.

She blinks at him. "Huh?"

He shrugs. "Finn had to find out at some point. I would never be able to bring myself to tell him; I _knew_ it was wrong to let him go on thinking... but I just couldn't. So this was probably for the best."

She shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "Well, I shouldn't have made it public and humiliated you – _both_ of you – in front of everyone."

"You weren't expecting them all to burst in at the crucial moment," he answers.

"Would you stop being reasonable about this? I'm trying to unload my guilt," she says. He can't help but smile at that. "I should have trusted you. I mean, you're my _best friend_; how could I ever believe you'd do something like–"

"_Mercedes._ It's okay," he takes her hand to emphasize this. "Given the circumstances, I can't possibly blame you for what you thought. I mean, Finn _said_ he was raped – how could you not believe that? What would that do to him?"

She sighs and lays her head onto his shoulder. "Look at me. Whining about my own guilt when you're struggling with... _this_..."

"In case you've forgotten, I'm hardly the real victim in this situation either," his voice hitches on the words, even as he wraps a comforting arm around her. "Speaking of which – where is he? Is he okay?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I kind of thing someone closer to him than me will be going after him."

Kurt nods. "Okay."

Mercedes sighs. "God, Kurt, why did you do it?" she blurts out. "I know how you feel about him, but..."

Kurt chokes back the urge to cry. "You don't understand, Mercedes. He started it. I barely understood why he was suggesting it at the time, and I _knew_ it was wrong – I could tell even when smashed that his proposition was not really about confessing romantic feelings for me. I think he felt guilty. I should have turned him down, but..."

He doesn't know how to say this. "I am in love with Finn Hudson. I have resigned myself to the fact he will never love me back, but that doesn't mean it doesn't break my heart every day. At that point... I was just wallowing under the knowledge I could never have _anything_ with him, let alone sleep with him. But then suddenly, I had that opportunity, for _whatever_ reason... how could you say 'no'?"

Mercedes doesn't answer, and Kurt chuckles slightly. "I guess part of me was hoping it'd get him out of my system. And now the system is just filled with hopeless despair."

She burrows closer. "You know, this isn't just going to blow over," she says. "Everyone's freaking out. I'm not really sure everyone even _believes_ you. So now..."

"I'm doomed, I know," he says. "They won't just forgive and forget. Finn _definitely_ won't. That's... probably for the best."

He abruptly pulls away from her. "Could you please leave, 'Cedes?" he asks. "I'm _not_ mad at you, I promise, I just... I kind of want to be alone right now."

She nods, and leans in to press a kiss against his forehead. "I love you, Kurt. You're my best friend."

He nods. "I love you to."

Then she walks out.

* * *

"Hey."

Okay, this one is a bit more surprising.

"_Santana_?"

"Yeah," she takes the seat next to him. He just stares in disbelief.

"What are _you_ doing here?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing," she says. At the look on his face, she defends herself: "Hey, don't look like that's _so_ shocking. I'm not a total bitch. Plus Puck seems to be plotting your violent murder, so I thought someone should warn you."

Kurt flinches. "So, I'm guessing he doesn't believe me about Finn consenting, huh?"

"Not so much. That, or he's just a crazy possessive bastard who doesn't _care_. I wouldn't put it past him, but..." she trails off and groans. "_Fuck_. This is _screwed up_."

"You're telling me."

"And I thought I messed up by fucking him," she muses. His eyes go wide.

"Wait, _what_? You and _Finn_? _When_?"

She looks annoyed last year. "Uh, last year? Whatever, it wasn't a big thing, and like you can talk."

Kurt sighs. "I know. I'm just futilely trying to be distracted."

She shrugs. "Sucks to be you, I guess. And him, obviously."

"This is your version of being sympathetic, isn't it?" he says. She glares. "God. I have _no idea_ what to do now."

"Don't look at me; I wouldn't know," she says. He doesn't respond, and she suddenly looks around like she's worried someone's spying on them.

"Look, don't tell anyone I said this, okay?" she commands. He nods. "I just; I came here to tell you... It's okay. I know Puck wants to kick your ass for it, and Jones is a little bad with the trusting given she pushed all this in front of everyone–"

"It's not her fault–"

"Whatever. But the thing is – some of us believe you. We _trust_ you. Corny as it is, you have friends Kurt, and we are going to acknowledge that this must _majorly_ suck for you too, and it wasn't your fault. I mean, I guess you're not quite as bad off as Finn, but..."

He sighs. "Thank you, Santana. I'm not sure I deserve it, but... thank you."


	13. Discussion, Determination, Definition

**13: Discussion, Determination, Definition**

Finn paces around the locker room, sometimes opening and closing his locker. Not that there's anything _in_ there he needs, it just an excuse to slam the thing closed.

He groans in frustration and aims a kick at the thin metal. "Fuck!"

It doesn't do much more than hurt his toe, which is unfair, because he's pretty sure relieving his issues on inanimate objects is meant to make him feel at least a _little_ better. And it's not.

"Finn?"

Finn looks over his shoulder in shock and some degree of panic, but he relaxes when he realizes it's Puck. "Hey," he says. "Don't mind me. Just acting like a psycho bastard to the lockers; not a big deal."

Puck shakes his head. "Dude, it's cool. You have _every_ right to be freaking like a bitch... What are you gonna do?"

Finn shrugs. "I dunno," he says. "I mean, what is there _to_ do?"

"Kick Hummel's ass? Or just, y'know, kill him," Puck suggests. Finn feels like that should be a joke, but when he looks Puck in the eye, he can see that Puck _means_ it.

"It's not his fault," Finn says. Then something seems to snap behind Puck's eyes.

"Are you fucking _serious_?" he yells. Fin can't help but flinch. "That guy _fucking raped_ you, man; we've gotta make the little asshole pay for it–"

"No!" Finn says. "Were you paying attention? He didn't... I mean, he was drunk, and I asked him – it wasn't his fault. It wasn't a..."

Puck snorts. "You actually believe that bullshit?"

Finn glares at him. "Yes," he says. "Dude, it's _Kurt_. He's not perfect – he's pulled some creepy shit in the past, and this probably wasn't his best move ever – but he's not a rapist."

"Uh. Yeah," Puck says dryly. "Let's just forget about the _you were raped_ thing. If you were going to go back on saying that as soon as you got some news you didn't like, why'd you even use that name in the first place? Or were you just too ashamed of having had homosex that you just tried to pretend it so wasn't your fault and make us all feel sorry for you, and now your boyfriend's been found out–"

"Shut the _fuck _up!" Finn slammed him up against the locker in a moment of blind rage. "You have _no idea_ what I'm going through; what this means. Do you know what it's like, feeling some bastard _inside_ you every second of every day? Being scared to fall asleep because you can't be vulnerable like that again? Keeping your razors in the bathroom like, a hundred feet away, because you don't trust yourself not to completely break down in some depressive fit and off yourself? Believe me – I would not have _said_ it was rape unless I thought it."

"Sorry," says Puck. "I didn't mean – and what does that have to do with–"

"Puck. I am trying _really hard_ to stay sane and rational about this," Finn says. "Believe me, I would _love_ to hate Kurt for it. I want to _kill_ him for doing this to me; I want to believe he was some sort of evil monster, going out of his way to destroy me. But I am better than that, and I know I _need_ to stay calm, look at this logically, or otherwise I haven't a chance. You can wallow in your homophobic assumptions he _would_ all you want, but I am better than that. I have to be."

Finn drops his hands from Puck's shoulders and turns back around, fighting the urge to cry. He hears Puck sigh from behind him.

"I'm just trying to protect you, dude," he says. "Look, I don't _care_ if you think it makes me a homophobe or whatever. You're my best friend, and I won't let someone – _anyone_ – do that to you and just get away with it. I _shouldn't_."

Finn's a bit touched, but he can't give into that now. He gives Puck any encouragement and it'll get Kurt killed. "Fine," he says with a glare, as he turns back around. "You wanna protect me? Then for the love of god, _don't do something stupid_. Listen to what _I_ think, not your own fucked up brain. This happened to _me_, not you, and you have no right to try your whole revenge thing if I don't want you to. And just _don't tell anyone_."

Puck nods. "Okay. That's that then," he sounds defeated. He starts to head for the door. "Look, dude, I know you're pissed at me right now, but..." he swings it open, "...I'm still here for you. Like, if you need me. But not in a gay way."

He walks out, and Finn breathes heavily. He collapses on one of the benches.

* * *

"Finn?"

Finn does his best not to jump at the hand on his shoulder, and looks up to see whoever it belongs to. "Mr. Schue?" he asks. "What are you doing here?"

Schue sighs and sits down next to him. "I was worried about you," he says. "Given, well..."

Finn nods. "Makes sense."

There's an awkward pause. "Are you doing okay? I mean, as much as you could be?"

Finn hesitates. "...Not really, no," he admits. "I mean... It still just _sucks_. It's always felt like that, of course, but if anything it's even _worse_ now, because... hey, it's _Kurt_. You know?"

Mr. Schue doesn't say anything, but he reaches a hand up to pat Finn comfortingly on the shoulder. He looks like he's not sure it's a good idea, but Finn leans to it. It's nice.

He bitterly laughs, just a little. "I think I'm meant to feel better now. I mean, it wasn't like I was _actually_ raped, right? So I should just snap out of it and be like 'no harm, no foul'. But no," he pauses. "I still feel like shit. I still feel all rotten and dirty and torn to pieces. But now I don't even get to hate anyone for it; not even some imaginary evil bastard. Because hey – Kurt didn't _mean_ to hurt me. It was just... one really, _really_ fucked up accident."

"...So... You believe him, then? About you consenting, but you just don't remember the incident?"

Finn turns to glare at him. "_Yes_. And if you're going to give me some bullshit about how I shouldn't like Puck did, I swear I'll–"

"No, no," Mr. Schue says. He looks a little taken aback. "I can't pass judgment on what you should and shouldn't believe; this isn't about me, and I can't make that call. I just wanted to know what you thought... so I wouldn't do something that'd hurt you."

Finn nods. "Okay, cool. I mean, I'm not sure you should change want you think is the right thing to do because of what I think – 'cause I'm more than a little biased, after all – but..."

He trails off into silence, and Mr. Schue doesn't ask him to say anything more. He just sits there, comfortingly patting Finn on the shoulder.

"Hopefully this isn't too insensitive, but – I'll admit, I'm more than a little surprised by you and Kurt sleeping together," Schue says. Finn shrugs.

"I thought about it sometimes," he admits. "Not really in a sexy way, but..." that doesn't really make sense on it's own, so he takes a deep breath and tries to explain. "I used to wonder if it would be a good idea. I mean, I saw the way Kurt used to look at me, even when he was 'meant' to be over it. And I just thought... maybe, if I slept with him, just _once_, it'd let him get me out of his system. Move on. Plus, it would kind of make up for what a dick I've been about it in the past."

Schue nods. "Okay. You're definitely not the first person to ever think like that – it hardly ever works, but..."

Finn shrugs. "Well, I suck."

"No, you don't," Mr. Schuester says. "Look, I just wanted you to know... I can't pretend I can even _imagine_ what you're going through right now. None of us can. But you have... so many people who care about you, and will do anything to stop you getting hurt even more. We want to help, Finn."

Finn just nods. "Okay," he says.

Mr. Schue sighs. "I can leave if you want?" he offers. "I mean, if you want to be alone for awhile..."

Finn shakes his head. "No," he says, and then leans onto Mr. Schue's shoulder. "I mean, if you don't have to go do anything... I'd kind of like you to stay."

Mr. Schue just nods, and stay he does, with Finn lying against his shoulder and staring into the distance.


	14. Home, Hope, Healing

**14: Home, Hope, Healing**

Finn goes home first. He makes his way to the carpark and prays like hell Kurt won't have decided to head off yet; he is so not in the state to walk for any kind of distance, and doesn't really want to have to ask anyone for anything. And he is _not_ driving home with Kurt like usual. Even if he believes Kurt didn't mean for this to happen, he just... he can't. So far he thinks he's being remarkably level-headed about this; he has a pass to be selfish when it comes to the car.

Luckily for him, Kurt hasn't and Finn's got the car to himself. He drives home and tries to make his hands not _too_ shaky on the wheel – he doesn't really want anyone to die. He manages to get home without incident, so go home.

"Finn?" asks his mom when she sees him come in. "What's wrong?" she asks, and he knows that from his slumped shoulders and inability to look her in the eye, she _knows_ something's up. More than before, that is. "Oh god, what happened?"

Finn finally looks up. He wants to lie. He doesn't want to do this; he knows Kurt didn't do anything _wrong,_ not really. Kurt probably doesn't deserve what this would do to him – the guilt and the shame and the doubt, and everything everyone couldn't help but think if they knew. He might have let that all happen with the club, but he was pretty shocked and not expecting everyone to show up – he can control this now. He can buy into Kurt's lie, and save him from their parents, at least. Finn feels like he's lost control of absolutely everything, but he can control that.

But Mom looks at him with wide, worried eyes, and he _can't_. He can't pretend what happened didn't, or that he's okay with Kurt, knowing what he knows. He doesn't _need_ to buy into the lie. It's selfish, but he has nothing to hide – he doesn't even care about the 'sleeping with a guy' thing; if that's seriously what everyone's going to be worried about, he'll kick their asses.

"Finn?" asks Mom, and he suddenly breaks into tears.

She rushes over to hug him. "Oh my god, baby, what happened? Was it something to do with–"

"Yeah," he whispers. "Mom, I found something out," he says slowly and carefully, looking her dead in the eye. "About what happened to me. And it's really scary and freaksome, and I feel like I shouldn't even say it because it would fuck over people... someone who didn't _really_ do anything wrong, but I _can't_, because this hurts _so_ much and I can't just pretend I'm okay with him when–"

"Shh, shh, baby; it's okay, it's okay," she holds him close and lets him cry into her neck. "It's okay. You don't have to worry about anyone. You don't have to protect anyone. You're the victim here; focus on yourself. Now please, tell me what's wrong?"

He manages to get his tears under control, and pulls back to look her in the eye again. He breathes in heavily. "It's... it's about Kurt," he says.

* * *

Kurt arrives home exhausted, emotionally and physically. He had to walk, since obviously Finn had taken the car – maybe that should not have been so much of a problem, but he doesn't have to walk home from school often. He didn't want to go _home_, as he was certain Finn would tell their parents everything he knew, and Kurt didn't feel like he could deal with that – even if Dad believed him, and, by some miracle Carole did too, they would still be mad. They'd see what he had done, even by accident, and just...

However, Kurt has spent weeks selfishly avoiding the consequences of his actions and letting everyone continue living in a nightmare. He can't do that _now._ It's not fair, and Finn deserves more. So he steels himself, and heads inside to whatever justice the cosmos and their parents decide to unleash.

He finds Dad, Carole and Finn sitting around the kitchen table, looking somber. The tiny (awfully selfish) part of him that was hoping Finn wouldn't talk about it – would try to protect him – dies. "Hello?" he says softly. "What's going on?"

"Don't, kid," says Dad, voice even more gruff than usual – either he's been crying, or he's trying really hard not to. "Finn told us what happened. What he found out. You knew that before he came inside."

Kurt sighs. "Yeah," he admits. "It's just hard to leap straight into the apologies and self-flagellation before even saying hello."

"I'm sorry," says Finn. "I know this wasn't your fault – I _told_ them that – and maybe I shouldn't have gotten you into... but I couldn't; I mean, you _live_ here, and I couldn't just be here acting like I was okay when..."

"Finn, it's alright," says Kurt, pulling out the fourth chair. "You... really, _really_ do not need to apologize to me," he says. Then he sighs and looks back to their parents.

"So what am I meant to say?" asks Kurt. "I already did 'sorry'... And how is that enough, really? I know what I did. It was an accident, but... I'm not blind. I've _seen_ Finn, after this... that... I know exactly what I did. And I'm sorry. It's not enough, but what else is there to say?"

Finn looks at him, and nods. "It's okay," he says. "I don't blame you."

"That makes one, then."

"Fuck, Kurt," says Burt. "Why didn't you just tell us?"

Kurt bites his lip, and hesitates.

"I... I know," he says. "It was so selfish, and cruel, and even if you forgive me for what I _did_ – which was, after all, an honest drunken mistake – I don't see how you could forgive me for lying to you like this."

"That's not an answer," Finn points out.

"I _know_," says Kurt, a little snippy. "I was just so... _scared_," he admits. "I never meant for this to happen. And when I realized that you couldn't remember; what you _thought_, I just... I knew it'd cost me... well, everything. Our friendship. Our family. My life as I knew it. And I just _couldn't_ do that, Finn; I'm not that strong. I think some part of me..." he groans and rolls his head backwards. "This is awful. _I'm_ awful for thinking it, but... it felt like I didn't deserve that. Because it was an accident."

There's an awkward silence.

"Okay," says Finn.

There's more awkward silence.

"...So... is that it? All I get? 'Okay'?"

Finn glares at him. "Uh, _sorry_. What am I meant to say? You were the one who... I know you didn't actually do anything. I know I kind of started it. But my brain says you're the guy who _raped me_, and how am I meant to react to that?"

Kurt bites his lip, suitably chastened. "I... I just... I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

Finn sighs again. "I know. I know that you're freaking out, and the bit of me that can still understand the world from other people's points of views knows this must _really_ suck for you. And you need me to forgive you; make you feel better."

"No, Finn, of course not!" Kurt says. "I wouldn't ask you to do that; this _isn't about me_–"

"I wasn't saying it was something you could control, dude," Finn points out. "I know you're not going to tell me how I should feel about this. But you want to stop feeling guilty – that doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you, y'know, human. If I'd... Anyone'd feel like you do. Of course you want me not to blame you; to act like it wasn't you – me being cool with you has to be the first step to being cool with yourself, right?"

Kurt inhales – dammit, he's _right_. "So... do you? Just, uh, so I know."

Finn hesitates. "I... I don't know. I _know_ it wasn't your fault. But when I look at you... I see you did this to me. And that's _all_. And I just can't, man, I can't."

Kurt nods slowly, and Carole winds up catching his eye.

"Kurt..." she says slowly, "I don't know what to think. I trust you, and I trust Finn enough to believe you would _never_ have done this on purpose. I believe you both about what happened, but... _You hurt my son_, Kurt. Accident or not, that's it: you hurt my son."

"I understand," says Kurt.

"You don't have kids. You really don't," she points out, before turning to his father. "Burt, I... I don't think we can live here anymore."

"Mom–" starts Finn.

"Finn, don't," she says. "Do you really think you can...?"

He looks ashamed, and stares at the table. "No," he admits. "But I don't want to... I started it. This was my fault. And I don't want to take everything away from you, Mom."

"For christ's sakes Finn, stop it," Kurt says, making Finn look up and look him in the eye. "If you start blaming yourself for this, I am officially not going to survive the guilt."

"...Okay," says Finn slowly, and Carole sighs. She reaches to pull off the ring on her finger.

"Carole–"

"Burt, don't make this harder," she says at her no-longer-fiance's interjection. "Please."

Kurt knows his father – he can see all the strength and resistance suddenly pour out of him. "Alright," he says. Carole tugs the ring off, and places it in the center of the table. Everyone keeps away from it like it was radioactive.

After a few seconds silence, Finn says something. "We should go pack." He extends his hand for his mother to hold it – a little childish, but understandable. She does so, and leads him off upstairs.

Kurt and Burt are left at the table. Kurt stares at the ring. Dad and Carole; they were in _love_. They were going to be _married_. They could have been so happy. And Kurt... Kurt made one stupid mistake because he was a selfish, stupid, hormonal teenager incapable of getting over his first crush. And it did _this_. It ruined them – he didn't just destroy Finn, he destroyed the rest of his loved ones too.

He finally manages to look up and meet his father's eyes okay the table. "Dad," he starts, voice cracking and eyes blistering with tears. "I am... _so_ sorry."

He breaks down then, descending into full-blown body-wracking sobs. Before he knows it, his dad is by his side, hugging him and whispering "It's okay, it wasn't your fault, it's okay," into Kurt's hair.

And Kurt hugs him back. He holds on tight, and lets his repetitive whispers of "So sorry, so sorry," get lost in his dad's collarbone. As if Dad has a chance of saving him now.


	15. Shame, Skeptic, Certain

**15: Shame, Skeptic, Certain**

Kurt returns to school with shame in his step and paranoia in his bones. He feels as if everyone is looking at him, and he can't help but wonder... If someone _told_... If everyone _knows_...

The first person from Glee he finds is Tina, standing at her locker. She looks like she hasn't slept for weeks – or at least all night. He inhales heavily, trying to steel his nerves, before daring to walk up to her.

"Hey, Tina."

"Kurt!" She sounds utterly shocked. "I – I mean – We didn't know if you'd show up today."

He shrugs. "Well, if I'm trying _not_ to seem hopelessly suspicious, fleeing the people aware of my involvement? Not the best plan." He says it with a smile, but she doesn't laugh. That's okay. Approximately _nothing_ about this situation is funny, anyway.

"So... um... how are you?" she asks. He bites his lip.

"...So... when you ask me that, you put me in a bit of a Catch-22. Because if I say _yes_, I'm either lying, or a remorseless psychopath. If I say _no_, then I'm asking for sympathy and playing victim when I _know_ I was the one in the wrong here," he says. "Can I plead no contest?"

She looks like she might cry. "I'm... I'm really sorry, Kurt."

He shakes his head. "It's not your fault," he says. She bites her lip.

"I've got a feeling like it might be," she says, and that confuses him. "Look, Puck and I... we were the first ones to find him. After. We were the ones who... He came to us when he was still trying to process what happened to him; figure it out. And now I know... I can't help but feel, if I hadn't been so _certain_ it was... If I hadn't been so conclusive... Maybe he wouldn't have thought it either? And maybe he'd be less damaged; maybe you wouldn't be in this terrible situation... I mean, I _made_ a V-M comparison. If I'd just explained what happened _in show_ – the first time, not the second time, because I hate season two – even if I didn't say that was a what was going, Finn might've thought it was a possibility. And what actually happened was a hell of a lot like that show, so if he'd just _asked_ and you could have _explained_..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about with the TV show," he says. "But Tina – Finn wouldn't have decided it was... if it didn't _feel_ like that to him. And if you'd questioned that, at that moment... it would have been the most cruel and harmful thing you could possibly do. You would have destroyed him, even further than I had already taken it."

Tina winces. "I just... really wish this hadn't happened."

"And this makes you special and unique?" Kurt asks. He sighs. "I actually wanted... Everyone keeps looking at me, and maybe I'm being paranoid, but I keep thinking they..."

Tina figures out what he's on about, and shakes her head. "No, Kurt. No-one outside Glee knows. We all more or less agreed we wouldn't do that to you, or Finn, for that matter. Santana spent like, _hours_ lecturing Britt about how important it was she not let this one slip. It would have been funny, if not for..."

"Thank you," he says. "I know I don't really have any right to... I mean, I expect Finn to do what he wishes. I think he might tell people..." he sighs. "If he does, I doubt I'll survive long in this town. But maybe I deserve that; I certainly can't tell him not to, can I?" he says it with another small grin, but he knows Tina can see the tears pricking the backs of his eyes very clearly. "Thing is... no matter my intentions, or his... if he thought it was rape, on some level, it was an always will be just that – _rape_. And I can't change that."

Tina doesn't answer – she just leaps forward and envelops him in a hug. He returns it, burying a few sobs into her dark hair. In a sudden moment of clarity, he panics and starts looking over her head – what if someone overheard them?

He's lucky. No-one's noticing. He sighs in relief.

"We all really love you, you know," Tina says just before she pulls away. He nods.

"I know." This heartwarming moment is interrupted when someone grabs him _hard_ by the shoulder, spinning him around, and Tina gasps.

It's Puck.

And he looks, to be blunt, like _shit_.

"Hummel," he barks, squeezing Kurt's shoulder tight enough to bruise. From the look of his eyes, he's gotten even less sleep than Tina. "We need to talk."

"Puck, don't–"

"Shut up, Stutterfly," says Puck. He starts dragging Kurt down the hallway, before throwing him into the closest empty classroom. He slams the door behind them, and Kurt's more scared than he's ever been of anyone in his life.

Maybe Puck'll be proud of that.

For a long moment, they just look at each other. Puck glares with obvious, overwhelming, all-consuming rage. Kurt stays still, trying _desperately_ to remain calm and not plead for mercy before Puck even does anything.

And they wait.

"...Do you want me to start?" Kurt eventually asks. "Because I'm _really_ not sure what to say."

Puck takes a step forward. "Okay, Hummel. If you want me to believe you or forgive you or whatever, _don't fucking make jokes about this_."

Kurt flinches. "Sorry," he says. "This isn't about you, Puck, but sorry."

"Screw you," says Puck.

"What do you want me to say?"

"Confess?" he asks. "Do you _really_ expect me to believe that bullshit about Finn _letting_ you in his pants."

Kurt takes in a deep breath when he hears that. _Don't be stupid_, he tells himself. He knew he was going to hear this accusation from _someone_ – considering his closeness to Finn and previously established attitudes toward Kurt and his sexuality, Puck was the most likely person, even. Kurt can't let this get to him.

"I don't need to hear this," says Kurt, hoping like _hell_ he sounds more confident than he feels. He tries to walk past Puck, but Puck shoves him back – not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to scare him.

"I wasn't finished, Hummel."

Kurt sighs. "Well, then, what is the point to this? What the hell am I meant to do? How on Earth am I meant to convince you I would never have hurt Finn intentionally?"

"Don't play that shit," says Puck. "He's my best friend, and I'm going to stick up for him. Even if everyone else is gonna fall for your rape-apologist bullshit, I'm better than that."

"I'm surprised you know the term 'rape-apologist'," Kurt shoots back, which is probably a low blow. Puck just looks confused, which suggests he just made up the term because it made sense to him, and it just happened to be something people say.

Kurt breathes in heavily. "You know, you may have a point," he says. "People are a bit eager to accept my story. It says bad things on a societal level. But personally... I _know_ that I did not commit a crime. And I can't deal with this. So can I just leave?"

Puck shakes his head, but it doesn't seem to be in response to the question. "Fuck it," he says. "This is would be a lot easier if I wasn't the only person who didn't believe you. You've even got Hudson himself fooled, so he's told me I can't kick your ass. I'm trying not to be a douche and make it all about me, but I should be _allowed_ to make you pay for this."

Kurt sighs. "You're entirely wrong, but I see no point in trying to convince you of that. In some ways, your devotion to him is sweet – misguided as it is."

Puck rolls his eyes. "Fuck off," he says.

Kurt sighs. "Alright then. Did you have anything else to say?"

Puck considers for a moment. "Okay, I can't hurt you – Finn'd kill me. I can't tell anyone about this shit, and then let everyone else hurt you – Finn'd _still_ kill me."

"You're not just going to recruit your cronies, tell them to reap your vengeance in secret, without your name getting dragged into it?"

"Finn's dumb, but he's not that dumb. He'd figure it out, and kill me yet again." Puck slumps in defeat, and as if in concession, steps aside from the door. "So congrats, Hummel. You picked the lucky card. I can't get you. You win."

Kurt takes a long moment before reaching for the door. "I know you're not going to believe me, Puck," he says, "but I assure you: I have not _won_."

Puck doesn't directly respond to that. "You know if you hurt him again, I'm going to prove it and _kill you_, right?"

Kurt doesn't answer. He walks out.


	16. Compassion, Capture, Coffee

**16: Compassion, Capture, Coffee**

Kurt isn't really expecting to find himself ambushed by jocks in the corridor. Genuinely. He could not have predicted this would happen today.

Now he thinks about it, he sees the likelihood, but he was distracted by worrying about people he actually cares about.

"Hey, Hummel," says Azimio, taking the center of the mob. Kurt unwittingly gulps and backs away from him. Azimio is gritting his teeth and clenching his fist – whatever's up, he's genuinly _mad_, not just being an asshole (there is a subtle difference, Kurt has learned).

"What do you want from me?" Kurt asks, affecting the same indifferent tone he has always used for dealing with them – he's not really feeling it, but he's a decent actor. Finn didn't tell them... did he? No. He wouldn't.

Yet... Kurt could hardly blame him if he did. He wants revenge, who wouldn't? It's hardly like he can take legal action, and doing anything via their parents would be... harmful. Setting a group of homophobic jocks on him: cruel, but understandable and possibly justified.

Azimio just glares him down. "We need to have a talk, Hummel."

Kurt breathes in heavily. _Relax. In the words of Douglas Adams, don't panic._ "Unless you wish me to redesign your style for being ignorant terrorizing jackasses, I don't see how I can help you." He tries to walk past them, but two of the guys grab him by the arms and slam against the lockers. Azimio menaces closer, and Kurt may or may not squeak.

"Don't give me shit. You know what this is about." Just to emphasize, Azimio punches the space on the locker next to his head, and Kurt jumps. "Hudson."

Kurt's stomach sinks in something like dread – do they _know_...? "I – What do you–"

"My bro got expelled over this shit, and you owe an explanation," says Azimio.

_Karofsky_? Really? Given everything and everyone, he's most fixated on _Karofsky_?

"He beat me and vandalized my property with offensive language; he was expelled for it. There's nothing else to that." He tries to break free again, but those guys hold him against the locker still.

"Don't, Hummel. Don't act like we don't all know exactly what that was about – like Dave was giving you anything other than what you had coming, you sick freak," Azimio says. Kurt does his best to keep being able to look him in the eye, despite his instincts. "Seriously, you can be a fag, I don't have a problem – well, okay, yeah, I do have a problem with that. But _raping_ your own stepbrother? That's way worse."

Kurt holds his ground, despite the immediate instinct which is to just _cry_. "We're not stepbrothers," Kurt points out. "And tell me, what exactly do you think you know? I thought you didn't trust Karofsky about all this; we all saw your fight – you full-blown accused him of being the one who did it."

Kurt feels a little sick for making those implications – Karofsky may be a bigoted, violent asshole, but he was not responsible for... well, to some degree, he was. But he didn't not rape Finn, and Kurt shouldn't suggest that he did. The assembly of random guys murmur things like 'good point', and Azimio looks annoyed and confused.

"He called. We talked. Made me realize I'm kind of a hypocrite if I'm gonna call rapist over something we both did together," Azimio explains, and his minions nod like this makes a lot of sense. "And you're changing the subject! This isn't about us; this is about you fucking over all us _normal_ people for good."

Kurt flinches unwillingly. "So, uh, what did I do? What makes you _so certain_ I was the one who...? Despite my _daring_ to be homosexual, which obviously is something that can be consciously chosen?"

"Dude, that's not enough?" says Azimio. "We all knew you wanted to fuck Hudson. You suddenly had your chance, and fuck if it's, you know, _evil_, you were going to take it!"

Kurt really, _really_ wants to punch him. Instead, Kurt settles for spitting in his face. "Fuck you," he says definitively. "You know nothing about me, Finn, or what happened that night – you're just a bigot and you can't handle your own guilt. And of you beat me – if you _kill_ me for what you _think_ I did, you will still know absolutely _nothing_."

Technically, it's not a denial.

There's a long, awkward pause. Then Azimio shrugs. "Yeah, but at least it'll be satisfying."

He's suddenly raising his hand to throw the first punch, while the two guys holding Kurt to the locker keep his arms secure so he can't try to cover himself.

Then, they here someone running down the corridor.

"What the hell are you guys doing?"

Finn.

...

"Hey, Hudson," calls Azimio. "You wanna throw the first punch? You kind of have a right to it, after all."

"Get away from him!" Finn breaks through the crowd of guys to where Azimio and Kurt are – the minions look uncomfortable, like they're considering holding him back, but between them apparently they have enough of a conscience to realize that physically attacking the resident _rape victim_ is probably not good. So Kurt just winds up standing there.

"Hey, I'm doing this for you, man," says Azimio. "If you're not going to press charges or anything, this fucker deserves _someone_ kicking his ass."

"Finn, it's okay," says Kurt. Everyone looks confused, but Kurt hopes he can communicate the subtext to Finn without the people threatening violence against him figuring it out: _no, it's not okay, but please don't protect me because I don't deserve it and the guilt might just kill me._

Suddenly, Finn punches Azimio in the face.

"_Ow_! What the hell, man?"

"Let him go," Finn says to the guys holding Kurt against the locker. Surprisingly enough, they do. Then Finn turns back to Azimio. "Kurt didn't do anything wrong, and you wouldn't really give a fuck if he had – you _hate_ me. You're just being a dick, and pretending you're so awesome for it because of what happened to me, and if you try it again I'm _going to fucking kill you_."

Azimio glares at him. "So, you don't think he did anything wrong, huh?" he asks. "You wanna explain why you two ain't living in the same house no more, then? Everyone heard about that. Someone doesn't trust him around you."

"Fuck off," says Finn. "I don't have to answer to you."

Azimio sighs. "I feel sorry for you, you know?" he says. "You're gonna figure out what's real sometime – and it ain't gonna be whatever bullshit this guy's feeding you. And of you don't pick the right side before then? You might not have everyone when that happened."

Finn doesn't answer, and instead just glares. Azimio looks at all the jocks he brought here. "Come on, boys. Let's get out of here."

They walk off, some of them making threatening gestures behind their backs. Kurt slumps against the locker in defeat, and slowly slides down until he's sitting on the floor – under normal circumstances he would be horrified at the thought of allowing his clothing to touch a filthy high school floor, but right now he just... can't.

Finn leans against the locker next to him – but he stays standing. Kurt sighs and looks up at him.

"You didn't have to do that, you know."

Finn shrugs. "Yeah, I did." Kurt knows it's meant to sound flippant, but he can hear something under Finn's tone – he can't quite identify what that is. Whatever it is, it tells him that Finn just protecting him was a much bigger deal than Finn wants him to realize it was. Finn's always been a bad liar – Kurt doesn't know how he just pulled that whole conversation off. He rests his chin on his knees.

"I didn't deserve it."

There's an awkward pause, and then suddenly Finn is sliding down and sitting next to him. Finn looks scared – just a bit. He's obviously trying to hide it, so for his sake, Kurt pretends he doesn't notice.

"You wanna cut out of here?" Finn asks. "Go get coffee or something?"

Kurt hesitates. He doesn't _really_ want to – it will be awkward, and probably just make him feel even more guilty. However, _Finn_ is asking – it's just a coffee, but from the look on his face, he _needs_ it.

"Okay."

Really, Finn is the one with the right of refusal right now. Altogether, Kurt might just never have that again.


	17. Ending, Eternity, Ever After

**17: Ending, Eternity, Ever After**

Technically, neither one of them has coffee. Kurt orders chai tea (that name is technically redundant, but he's not so concerned with that right now), and Finn gets a large mug of hot chocolate. Kurt would usually mock him for the calories and immaturity inherent in such a drink, but right now he has to let it slide. Hot chocolate makes him think of being in front of a fire in winter, hiding from the cold. It's comfort food. How can he deny Finn that?

Kurt takes a sip, and sighs. "Finn, why did you invite me here?"

Finn shrugs. "I don't know," he says. "It seemed like we needed to talk, that's all."

Kurt hesitates, biting his lip. "...What does either one of us have to say now?" he asks. Finn looks uncomfortable.

"Yeah, I don't know that either," says Finn. "Still, at least you're getting out of fourth period?"

Kurt nods sagely. "Thank god we don't share many classes," he muses. Finn seems confused, and Kurt explains, "I think one of us would have gone crazy like that."

Finn accepts this, and takes another sip of his hot chocolate without speaking. Kurt sighs. "Finn, why did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Stand up for me against those neanderthals. After what I did to you..."

Finn shrugs uncomfortably. "Dude, it's not your fault. And those assholes didn't have a clue what they were talking about in the first place. You're a decent guy, okay; I've known you for like, years, and I have to stick up for you."

"For christ's sakes, Finn, stop it," Kurt snaps.

"Stop what?"

"Stop acting like this is all normal!" Kurt gestures dramatically with his hands, and then gets quiet again. "Finn, you're _allowed_ to hate me for what I did to you. Actually, it would be quite reassuring for me, as it would validate my already existing self-loathing about the incident."

It doesn't work like he's planning, because Finn _glares_ at him. "Well, uh, _fuck you_, because it's not about you and I'm not changing how I'm reacting to this to help you deal with _your_ issues."

"Finn, that's not what I–"

"Do you have any idea how hard this is? Crazy hard," Finn says, choking on the words a little – he's on the edge of tears, that much is obvious. "I just feel... everything. It hurts _so_ much. You might think your life sucks right now – and I guess it does, with the guilt and the family thing falling apart and getting harassed even _worse_ by homophobic douchebags – but you have _no_ idea what this is. The nightmares. The pain. Just _thinking_ about what could have happened and trying to understand why–"

"Finn, you know what happened," Kurt says. "To some degree at least. You said you believed my account of..."

Finn shrugs and takes another sip of his hot chocolate. "Yeah. But it's just broad strokes, and I'm still wondering... just _how_ I was meant to stop this happening. I mean, I guess I kind of started it, so that doesn't really make sense, but..."

"Finn, it's _okay_," Kurt says. "No-one expects you to be a hundred percent rational about this."

Finn shakes his head. "You don't _get it_, Kurt. I _have_ to be. I have to be the good guy and be fair to you; accept my responsibility or whatever, and not take it out on anyone innocent. I have to be, like, some kind of strong survivor or whatever. Because if I let myself go crazy – I'm _not_ going to survive this. Neither are you, probably."

Kurt sighs. "Finn... you _are_ the victim here, remember? It's not your responsibility to protect everybody. Kind of the other way around."

Finn shakes his head. "Dude. It's _always_ been my responsibility to protect everybody. I'm the quarterback, the Glee captain, the big brother–"

"I'm two months older than you."

"–_whatever_. Point is: this 'everything is up to you, always' thing? Has always been a part of my life. And I'm not losing that."

Kurt takes a sip of his chai tea. "That can't be healthy."

Finn glares at him again. "Well, neither's hiding your stress and guilt over fucking your almost-stepbrother and getting him to think he was raped, for like ever, but whatcha gonna do, huh?"

Kurt flinches. "...I'm sorry." He hides behind the tea, desperately trying to think. What is he meant to _say_? "...God, I am _so_ stupid."

Finn still looks like he's about to cry. "Oh... for christ's sakes, Kurt, _why_?"

Kurt blinks. "Huh?"

Finn quite unsubtly sniffles. "...I just... Okay, I _knew_ you liked me, but seriously? Didn't you want to like, _think_ about why I was hitting on you if I'd never tried anything before – even if it was just me being a major closet case, wouldn't that all indicate the booze was fucking with my head to the point I didn't _really_ know what I was doing? Didn't I _say_ anything that would make you think... Didn't you think, if there was a good chance I _did_ want you, it would be a better idea to wait until we _weren't_ smashed? Just... what was _so important_ about getting into my pants, that you somehow had to let _this_ happen?"

Kurt's on the brink of tears, and he still doesn't know what to say. What _was_ so important about it?

He loved Finn. Loves. Head-over-heels, madly, desperately in love. He knew he shouldn't at the time; knew he had to _move on_, or else it would damage things forever. He couldn't spend the rest of eternity in love with his _stepbrother_. When Finn propositioned him... it was like a dream come true, yes, but more than that it was something else: closure. One chance to express all his pent-up desire before having to bury it for good. Maybe he was a little rough, even – just trying to get as much in before having to return to the real world.

Okay, he was a little eager to accept. He was _drunk_, and didn't want to look a gift horse in the mouth. In his own mind, this was something he _needed_, and he took it, damn the consequences. He just thought Finn was a little drunk, that's all.

...Did he take advantage? Was he willfully blind? Did he ignore Finn's feelings for the sake of his own?

In retrospect, the answer to all three of those questions is obvious.

"...I don't... I don't know," he admits, looking down at the table. "I just wanted you _so badly_, I couldn't..."

He trails off, and finally manages to look Finn in the eye. The boy is crying now, which makes Kurt recognize the tears seeping out of his _own_ eyes, and _shit_.

"Okay," says Finn, sighing. "It's cool. I'm sorry I lashed out at you before – I guess you kind of have the right to be freaking, huh?"

Kurt wipes away his tears, which leads Finn to do the same. "Finn, you don't have to apologize to me. Really."

Finn shrugs. Kurt looks at his watch.

"We really ought to get back to school soon," he muses. "That is, if I can reenter the premises without being violently assaulted."

"I know I got your back, right? I mean, I can barely stand to look at you right now – but I got your back."

Kurt's not sure whether to wince or smile. He does both. "Thank you. I don't deserve it, but thank you."

Finn shrugs and stands up. "It's cool," he says.

Kurt notices he doesn't quite fight the latter charge.

Kurt sighs and scoops his bag off the side of his chair, and looks down to check he has actually finished his tea. He has. For awhile, he and Finn just stand there, uncomfortably staring at one another over the small coffee table, and Kurt just feels like he has to do _something_; make this better _somehow_, anyhow–"

"Dude. You can hug me if you want to."

Kurt blinks at this unexpected invitation. "...Okay."

He throws himself into Finn's arms, and Finn hugs back. Thoughts resurface – memories of Finn's warm, pliant body pressed against his, and – no. He won't think about that. He should be grateful for what little reprieve he's getting already; after what happened, Finn should never be willing to touch him again, even in an innocent way. He thinks he can feel Finn's body shaking slightly against him, but in a moment of bravery, he pretends not to.

(He _has_ to be selfish sometimes.)

He's the first one to pull away. "So. School," he says, slinging his bag over his shoulder more securely.

"Yeah. School," says Finn. As they both start to walk away, Finn lays a hand on his shoulder. "...You okay, dude?"

"...Are you?"

Finn sighs, and lets his hand drop. Neither one of them challenges each other.


End file.
